


Cradle And All

by SoManyRegrets



Category: Bandom, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Discussion of Abortion, Family Feels, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mpreg, Slow Burn, long fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-24
Updated: 2016-10-31
Packaged: 2018-08-17 02:38:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 25,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8127148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoManyRegrets/pseuds/SoManyRegrets
Summary: Miss Hendrickson, Josh’s tenth grade teacher, had once predicted that if Josh didn’t clean up his act, he’d end up dropping out of college, getting pregnant at nineteen and flipping burgers at McDonalds for the rest of his life.

  Miss Hendrickson was wrong about everything.

  He got pregnant at twenty five instead.
Josh is pregnant, Tyler's conflicted and everyone else thinks it's hilarious.(Note: 'Discussion of Abortion' tag is just that - discussion. No abortion takes place. But it is an option which is considered seriously.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't ask about the ins and outs of male pregnancy. We don't know. 
> 
> Disclaimer: We're lying, we're not affiliated with them and we didn't get Josh Dun pregnant. We cool?
> 
> And, because we cannot stress this enough, we have _so many regrets_.

Miss Hendrickson, Josh’s tenth grade teacher, had once predicted that if Josh didn’t clean up his act, he’d end up dropping out of college, getting pregnant at nineteen and flipping burgers at McDonalds for the rest of his life.

 

Miss Hendrickson was wrong about everything.

 

Josh was in a world-class band, not McDonalds; he never went to college so he never had to drop out; and he didn’t get pregnant at nineteen.

 

He got pregnant at twenty five instead.

 

So sucks to Miss Hendrickson, Josh thought, and threw up again.

 

He’d taken a test, of course – he’d bought one at a gas station when he first started to suspect, then spent an exorbitant amount of money buying another at the first Walgreen’s they came across. Since he didn’t want it to be true, he wasn’t going to just accept the word – or the little blue plus sign – of a gas station pregnancy test. But ClearBlue claimed to be the world’s best-selling brand of pregnancy tests, and the cheery leaflet that accompanied the test told him, with what he resentfully felt to be undue smugness, that they had over ninety-nine percent accuracy.

 

So he was probably pregnant.

 

He certainly had all the symptoms that his eighth grade sex-ed class had warned them to expect during pregnancy in cis men: he’d been tired, nauseous, stressed and veering wildly between grumpy and hyperactive, sometimes managing to hit both extremes within the hour. Throwing up after smelling Nick’s coffee, though, had been the thing that really clued him in.

 

The problem was that he didn’t have a clue what he was supposed to do now. He tried to think it through as he washed his mouth out, pulling a face at himself in the mirror. What were you supposed to do when you found out that you were unexpectedly pregnant with no idea of who the other father was? He wasn’t the first person to be dealing with this. He just kinda wished that the people who’d gone through it before him had left a cheat sheet.

 

Josh splashed his face with water and sat on the closed lid of the toilet to think things through. He tried to imagine telling his parents – his brother and sisters – that he was going to have a baby, and came up blank. His siblings would probably be pleased for him, if it seemed like he was pleased, but his dad? His mom? Probably not going to be so wild about it. At least, not once they’d found out that there weren’t going to be wedding bells in his immediate future, to go with his surprise baby.

 

And he’d have to tell Tyler. That was going to suck too, for entirely different reasons. But telling someone he was in love with that he was pregnant by someone else was always going to suck.

 

Josh liked to think it would suck harder than usual for him, though. Partly because Tyler, despite being made up almost entirely of hair, dreadful puns and Baptist manners, had very little sense when it came to Josh and a very large sense of outrage. He’d attempt to fight every single one of Josh’s dates, and then get pounded into the dirt because he was made up almost entirely of hair, dreadful puns and Baptist manners.

 

And Josh didn’t need another reason to feel bad.

 

He already did feel bad, and a little ashamed. Not because he was pregnant, but because the band was Tyler's life and (rather inappropriately in this context) his baby, and Josh was about to fuck everything up for him.

 

Technically, Josh knew that, at least, was a solvable problem; he was by no means the best drummer out there and his drum parts were easy to pick up once you got the hang of the rhythm patterns. Tyler would be able to do without him. He flirted with the idea of calling Brendon and asking if Kenny was free, or going round his old network and looking for a drummer at a loose end. Someone to take his place.

 

He forced himself to stop with that line of thought, because all he was really doing was evading the issue at hand. What was he going to do about the actual pregnancy?

 

Of course, for a boy with a physically demanding job, no stable relationship and no way to provide a life for a child that didn’t involve rattling round in a tour-bus for months on end, there was an easier solution. He wouldn’t have to tell his parents – he wouldn’t have to tell Tyler. Or anyone, really, if he didn’t want to. He could just quietly get an abortion, and no one had to be any the wiser except him.

 

Josh considered that for a long few minutes – right up until Nick hammered on the door of the tiny bus bathroom and asking whether he was planning to live in there.

 

Opening the door, he couldn’t help grinning at Nick’s put-upon expression. “Sorry,” he said, as easily as he could.

 

“Better be,” Nick grumbled without heat, barely waiting for him to be out of the way before he was shutting the door behind himself.

 

Josh took his brooding back to his bunk.

 

What was he going to do? The more he thought about it, the less feasible it seemed to actually have this kid. The idea of raising a child by himself – a child who might inherit any number of things from him, his anxiety and his mind and his insecurities – terrified him. And while it might just about be doable to have a baby on a tourbus, it sure as heck wouldn’t be possible to have a schoolchild with him on tour. Anyone else might be able to homeschool their kid, but Josh didn’t have any faith in his own ability to do so.

 

And then there were the questions that would be asked – questions from his family, from the fans, from reporters. Who was the other parent? Was he going to drop out of the band? What were his plans for the kid’s future? Had he thought this through?

 

Just the idea of it brought him out in a cold sweat.

 

On the other hand, he could have an abortion, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that either. He knew it was an option, and he fully supported people’s rights to have access to it. But the idea of getting one himself kind of scared him.

 

The question was, did the idea of getting an abortion scare him more than the idea of raising this kid?

 

He considered that for a few long minutes, and he wasn’t anywhere nearer an answer by the time Tyler banged on the edge of his bunk.

 

“C’mon, man,” he said, yanking back the curtains and grinning down at Josh. “We’re gonna be at the venue in like an hour and you gotta have breakfast. Gotta keep your strength up, right?”

 

“Can’t give anyone substandard drumming,” Josh agreed, and heaved himself out of his bunk.

 

Idly, he glanced down at his belly, and shook himself. He had time to come to a decision.

 

**

 

Knowing his own mind as he did, Josh let the question percolate through his consciousness for a while before coming to any kind of decision. Thinking about it too hard brought him near to the edge of a panic attack, and it wasn’t usually helpful anyway – he had to let his subconscious work on it.

 

Once he’d got his head round what he was actually asking himself, he excused himself from a coffee run with a grin and a quip about needing to detox, and shut himself in the back lounge to go through pros and cons. He was pretty sure that if he tried to keep things on a purely logical level he wouldn’t find himself breathing into a paper bag five minutes into this little exercise.

 

On the pros side of keeping the baby was, well, keeping the baby. His kid. In an abstract sort of way, he knew he’d adore them, the way he knew that he’d adore his kids whenever he had them, but he really didn’t feel like now was the best time, and he was sort of freaking out about the level of commitment a baby – and eventually a toddler, a child and a teenager – would need. Whether or not he’d love them wasn’t the question. The question was whether or not he could look after them the way a kid would need.

 

Which pretty much dealt with the con side of having the baby, too. When it boiled down to it, all the drawbacks of raising a child while being a working (and touring) musician weren’t as important as not feeling ready to have the kid in the first place. He hadn’t planned this. He didn’t feel ready for kids.

 

Which left abortion. On the plus side, he wouldn’t have to tell anyone about this. He wouldn’t have to deal with all the knock-on effects of having a baby. Most importantly, he wouldn’t be pregnant any more. 

 

There were downsides, of course. He didn’t really know how he felt about having an abortion, and he didn’t really know how it would affect him once he’d had it. All he knew, with clarity, was that he didn’t want to be pregnant.

 

With a sigh, he dragged his laptop towards him, and started googling clinics.

 

**

 

It was another week or so before Josh could bring himself to pick up the phone and call anyone about organising an appointment, and it was a confusing week, at that. He’d found himself wavering between certainty and uncertainty, unsure whether he’d made the right decision. A little careful research had told him that that was normal, but he kept inadvertently dwelling on the idea of the baby, and in quiet moments, he found his mind drifting towards the idea of a child, his own child.

 

He knew he was being unusually snappish – could tell by the way their crew, some of his closest friends, were beginning to give him odd looks, and carefully modulate their voices around him. He just couldn’t seem to stop himself blurting out whatever cross or uncharitable thought which crossed his mind whenever someone said something that hit a nerve. But he was pretty sure that at least no one had guessed what was at the root of all this. He’d never seen any particular need to be upfront about being hormone-positive, and he still didn’t. And since he was going to terminate the pregnancy, he wouldn’t have to be.

 

Not that that helped him when he found himself lost in daydreams about a baby. He liked kids, loved the ones he interacted with, and the longer he gave himself to daydream, the easier it was to imagine taking care of one.

 

But it still wasn’t feasible, and he wasn’t going to let himself off the hook just because he was romanticising parenthood into something soft and sweet and easy, just because his hormones were going crazy. Parenting wasn’t like that. Particularly not tourbus parenting.

 

So at the earliest opportunity – the moment he was sure he’d have more than five minutes to himself – he checked the tour schedule and called the number for Planned Parenthood in Boise.

 

“Good afternoon, Planned Parenthood, you’re through to Marie. How can I help?”

 

“Uh, hi,” he said awkwardly, remembering in a rush just how much he hated talking to strangers on the phone, the way he did whenever he had to do it. “I. I need to talk to someone about, uh, scheduling an abortion?”

 

“OK,” Marie said, with unimpeachable calm. “Are you OK to talk? Can I take a few details from you?”

 

“Yeah,” he said, with another nervous glance at the door of the bus. “And, uh. Yeah.”

 

“Wonderful. I just need to get a few basic details from you – have you ever used our services before?”

 

“No,” he said, positively, moving so that he could see the door from where he was sitting. He was pretty sure no one was going to burst in on him – everyone had been pretty into the pick-up game they’d started – but he could feel himself getting antsy and paranoid about it, and God only knew he didn’t need more excuses to freak out during this conversation.

 

“OK, great,” she said cheerfully. “Then I’m gonna need to take your name, date of birth, current address, and a contact number.” He gave them to her, one eye on the door but all his focus on the conversation, and he could hear her frowning as he gave his address. “Is there any reason you’re going to be travelling so far to see us?” she asked, aiming to sound light and easy. “There are several Planned Parenthood clinics in Columbus.”

 

Josh considered all the ways he could possibly answer that. Considering he'd already had to give them his name, date of birth and address, he supposed he could be honest with them - since they couldn't tell anyone without breaching patient confidentiality - but on the other hand, he didn't want to go into all the details of touring right now. 'Uh, yeah,' he said uneasily. “I'm, I'm away from home right now. But I'm not going to be in Boise for a couple weeks.”

 

“I see,” Marie said, patently not seeing. “Right, so I've just got a couple more questions for you. Can I call you Josh?”

 

“Go ahead,” he said, then thought that might have sounded sarcastic or dismissive, and hastened to add, “I mean, Josh is fine, yeah.”

 

“Thank you, Josh. So, can I ask if you're booking this appointment for yourself?”

 

“Yes.” On that, at least, he was clear.

 

“Right,” she said, with what he felt was rather forced cheer. “So, a couple of very basic questions: have you taken a pregnancy test?”

 

“Yes,” he said again.

 

“Which came back positive?”

 

Why on earth would he be calling if it hadn’t come back positive? “Yes. I, um. I took two. They were both positive.”

 

“Great! Then that seems pretty clear, though we’ll do tests too, just to be on the safe side. Now, have you been pregnant before?”

 

“No.”

 

“OK then. So we'll be talking it over with you when you come in, but you don't feel forced or in any way coerced into seeking this procedure?”

 

Only by circumstances. “No,” he said, and wondered if that was a lie.

 

“That's good,” she said comfortably. “Now, in your own words, Josh, how would you describe your gender?”

 

Rather hysterically, Josh considered who else's words he was supposed to use if not his own, but that just made him think of Tyler. God, he'd much rather be using Tyler's words right now. “Er, male. Cisgender, I mean. Uh, cisgender male. Yeah.”

 

“Lovely, thank you, Josh. And do you know how far into the pregnancy you are?”

 

He was beginning to feel a little desperate, a squirming, anxious feeling in the pit of his stomach, and, absurdly, he wondered whether it was the baby. Or foetus, as he supposed it was right now. Not that it mattered, because that feeling was nothing more than nerves and anxiety. “No,” he mumbled. “I don't know.”

 

“It's so difficult, for hormone-positive men,” she said sympathetically. “No period to base it off. You can't think of when it might have been...?”

 

He flushed, more annoyed than anything else. No, he had no idea, and he couldn't remember ever having had unprotected sex – he shuddered a little – and he certainly didn't think he'd done so recently. If anything, with Miss Hendrickson's dire warnings ringing in his ears, he'd always been particularly careful. “No,” he said, rather curtly, then felt bad. “Sorry.”

 

“Don't worry,” she said, still with that nauseating cheer. “A pelvic exam and an ultrasound, as well as a blood test, will all be part of the appointment, so we'll have an idea of gestational age.”

 

“Is it important?” he asked, almost in spite of himself. He didn't want to connect to the idea of the baby any more strongly than he already had, and the idea of all those exams - particularly the ultrasound - seemed likely to make the whole thing even more real than it already was.

 

“Well, not as such,” she said chattily. “Not for male pregnancy, since medication abortions are tricky for hormone positives. But it's a good idea to know what you're dealing with. And obviously, your hormones change over the course of the pregnancy, so it's best to know where you're at, so we can give you the best idea of what to expect when you come out the other side of the procedure.”

 

Josh's mouth felt very dry. “Oh,” he said, rather lamely.

 

“But don’t worry too much about that,” Marie told him kindly. “We’ll help you work out how far along you are, never you fear. So! You said you weren’t due to be in the area for another couple of weeks. Can you give me some more exact dates?”

 

He told her. He’d picked Boise, of all their destinations, because it was the next place they were due to have an actual free day, and he suddenly realised he didn’t know exactly how long this whole thing was going to take. “Um, do you know how long it’ll take?” he asked, before she could say anything.

 

“Well, you should expect to be in the clinic for about six hours, give or take, but we normally tell people to keep the day clear,” she said. “Partly because there’s a lot to go through before the actual procedure, and partly because everyone reacts differently, and it’s important to give yourself a bit of leeway in case you feel very fragile or upset afterwards. Some people do, but,” she added reassuringly, “most don’t.”

 

“Right,” he said dully. “Thanks.”

 

“OK!” she said, her cheer redoubling to make up for his lethargy. “So, we’ve got an appointment free that day, as it happens, at nine thirty. Do you want me to book you in?”

 

Did he? For a moment, he panicked, his stomach swooping sickly. It seemed like such a huge step. Had he thought it through properly? Had he made the right decision? Should he throw the phone down now and just face the consequences of his actions?

 

The part of him that had been brought up to believe in redemption was telling him that God loved and forgave no matter what, and that meant that he only had to learn to forgive himself. The part that was constantly afraid was telling him that he had to pay for what he’d done, and he didn’t deserve the option of a get-out-of-jail-free card.

 

On the other hand, no child deserved to be treated like a penance by their parent.

 

“Yes,” he said firmly. “Yes, please.”

 

“OK, great! That’s all done for you. Do you want me to send you an email to confirm it?”

 

“Oh, uh, no, thanks. I’ve got it all noted down,” he lied. There wasn’t any way he was going to forget, after all. “Um. I’ve just – I wanted to know…” he trailed off uncomfortably.

 

“We’re here to help,” she said, with a kindness he didn’t feel he deserved. “Ask away.”

 

“Outside the clinic,” he said, feeling awful. “Are there – do you have-”

 

“Protesters?” she finished for him. “No, we don’t at the moment. But we’ll get in touch with you if that changes.”

 

He made an acknowledging sound. “Yeah. Yeah, thank you. I’m sorry.”

 

“Don’t be. Lots of people would prefer to have access to healthcare without having to run that gauntlet,” she said simply. “It’s a valid question. But don’t worry about that. So before your appointment, keep yourself healthy. Try to get a good night’s sleep the night before – gentle exercise is a good idea. And ginger tea or sweets are good for calming any nausea you might be feeling. Keep eating a regular diet, and look after yourself, OK? We’ll see you in two weeks.”

 

“Yeah,” he said again. “Thank you.”

 

“You’re very welcome. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

 

“No. No. That’s it, thanks.”

 

“Alright! Have a good day then.”

 

“Yeah, you too,” he managed, and hung up.

 

For nearly half an hour, he just sat there, his phone cradled in his hands. He still didn’t know how to think or feel about what he’d just done, and he still didn’t know how to cope with the feeling that he was about to do something terrible.

 

On the other hand, he reminded himself, he couldn’t be responsible for a child. He just couldn’t. The problem was, that was beginning to feel more and more like something he was telling himself, rather than something he truly believed.

 

**

Meanwhile, in Starbucks just down the road from the bus, a very different conversation was taking place.

“Dude,” said Mark. “It’s been, what, three months? And that’s only since you started actually planning this thing, let alone the extra two you spent whining at me. At this point, it’s basically put up or shut up.”

“Aagh,” said Tyler eloquently. TO be fair, it was far and away the most appropriate response. Mark was right: he had been planning this for months, and he had been whining to Mark about it far longer than that. It was time to grow a pair of things currently missing, go back to the bus, get Josh, take him out somewhere nice, grab his face and tell him – “I can’t,” he said miserably, staring at Mark with dull panic.

Mark dropped his head onto his arms. “Come _on_. So you’re in love with your best friend. Yes, you’re a cliché, but it’s not the end of the world.”

“What if I ask and he says no?” 

“Well, you’ve gotta actually ask first, so I figure we got a year –“

“Or what if I tell him I’m into him and it gets awkward?”

Mark look exasperated, then sighed and softened round the edges. “Look. Tyler. Josh is a good guy who loves you – even if he doesn’t love you the way you want him to. Either you get over it, he gets into it, or you both find a way around it. Even if this thing crashes and burns, you’re still gonna be best friends in the cute, nauseating way you always have been.”

“Thanks,” Tyler said dryly. “That’s so reassuring.”

“You’re welcome,” Mark said, standing and clapping Tyler on the shoulder. “Man up and do something about it before I start charging for my counselling services.”

Tyler smiled and waved as Mark walked off, presumably back to the bus, or to hit his head slowly and repeatedly against a wall because of his stupid friends; it could go either way. Perhaps Tyler was being stupid. Wait, no, that wasn't a question he needed to ask. He knew he wasn’t. Josh was the most important thing in Tyler’s life, closely followed by the band, and if this went wrong, he’d have screwed up both of them in one fell swoop. He had a tendency to overanalyse things, yeah, but preparing for the worst possible outcome was his way of ensuring he was always prepared.

Go figure. 

But Mark was right: he’d come as far as he could using Mark as a sounding-board and any more time he had to obsess over Josh’s reaction was time wasted. Tyler stared into his cup of hibiscus tea and tried to picture Josh’s reaction.

“I love you.”

Even in his imagination, the response was a stunned silence. Not surprising – Tyler was open kinda guy, and he could count the things he’d kept from Josh on one hand. Then after the silence… Maybe Josh would smile. Tyler could see that. Maybe a smile, and the head-tilt he did when he thought someone was teasing him, so Tyler would have to tell him again.

“No, for real, like, I love you. I am. In love with you. I have been for ages.”

Then another silence, to let Josh digest that – or maybe Josh would smile, reach out and take Tyler’s face in his hands, and kiss him, long and slow like Tyler had imagined when he was awake at night and no words were coming. Maybe he’d say ‘I love you too.’

Someone coughed behind him, and Tyler jerked back upright, face flushing. Even in his day-dreams, he was a sap.

Of course, Josh could also look uncomfortable and awkward, mumble something like an apology, and then run away, leaving Tyler to cry, and/or plot his future existence as a hermit in the Appalachian mountains.

What was he going to do if Josh said no, if Josh couldn’t bear to be around him anymore? What if, what if, what if-

“No,” he said firmly and out loud, and the woman at the table next at him looked up. “No, enough, c’mon, let’s do this.”

He drained the last of his tea, stood up, and left, heading back towards the bus.

And, as it turned out, into the wake of a screaming row. “Whaaaat,” he said wonderingly, staring at Josh’s retreating back and Dan’s belligerently helpless expression.

“I dunno, man,” Dan said, shrugging. “I asked if he wanted coffee, he went off on me.”

“You also called him a bitch,” Mark said fairly, fanning himself with a magazine: the bus was off, so the air-conditioning was also off. Then, when Tyler turned to stare at Dan, he added, equally fairly, “though, Josh was kind of being a bitch.”

Tyler sighed, scrubbed his hands through his over-long hair, and tucked his heart out of reach again. 

Some things would just have to wait.

“I’ll go talk to him.”

**

Josh hadn’t really expected Tyler to ignore his snappishness for long, and he wasn’t disappointed. He was just grateful that Tyler didn’t decide to talk to him about it the same day he’d made his appointment, or he might have caved instantly and actually told him what was wrong.

 

He wasn’t entirely sure why he was keeping it from Tyler, at this point. He wasn’t ashamed of his choices, and he knew Tyler wouldn’t condemn them, but it was something he wanted to keep to himself, just for the moment. He didn’t want to have to go over any of the agonising details of why he’d made his decision, or have to defend them, since he was pretty sure Tyler would disagree with him on some of them. Tyler had always had a better opinion of Josh than Josh had of himself, and something in him shrank from the idea of having to say outright that he just didn’t _want_ a baby right now. He certainly didn’t want to have to say it when he was wavering back and forth on whether or not it was actually true.

 

As it was, though, he was given two days to pull himself together before Tyler struck.

 

He was in the front of the bus, by himself, which had become increasingly normal over the last week or so – it was early, but everyone had chosen to grab breakfast and take it into the back lounge, casting him looks of mingled pity and apprehension. Josh had made sure to smile and chat with anyone who was brave enough to try and actually talk to him, but he knew he wasn’t putting in a great performance; he was waking up feeling nauseous at the moment, and he’d gone off coffee in a major way, so he knew he looked grumpy and annoyed, even when he was trying to act normally. Mark, who’d stuck around for longest, had dared to ask, tentatively, whether he was feeling alright, and Josh had shocked himself by nearly shouting at him. That had made him feel so miserable that he was genuinely afraid he might do something awful, like cry, and once he’d managed to choke out an almost-civil answer, he’d relapsed into dismal silence, leaving Mark to get his toast in awkward silence and retreat, like everyone else.

 

He was just considering taking himself back to his bunk and letting everyone else get on with their normal, not-pregnant lives in and around the bus when Tyler threw himself down on the sofa next to him, rolling his head sideways against the sofa back to eyeball the side of Josh’s face. Josh, really not in the best mood, ignored him.

 

For a few seconds, there was silence.

 

“So, you’ve been kind of a douche the last couple weeks,” Tyler said conversationally. “S’not like you, man. You OK?”

 

Josh had prepared for that. “Yeah,” he shrugged, and he knew his tone was less conciliating than he’d meant it to be. “Just. You know. Tired, I guess.”

 

“When you’re tired, you nap,” Tyler pointed out. “You don’t snap at people, Jish. You just don’t.”

 

“Maybe I’m picking up bad habits on tour,” Josh tried.

 

“Yeah, maybe,” Tyler agreed, his voice rich with scepticism. “But that’s not really like you either, and you’re normally a little ray of sunshine. What’s up?” He frowned, a ridiculous expression on a man sprawled on a sofa with his face half-mashed into the back cushions. His mouth scrunched to one side, pursed and worried, and his eyes were very sincere. “No one’s being awful to you, are they? Because I will take them down. You can tell me. Nothing’s happened, right?”

 

“Oh, for-” Josh cut himself off abruptly, before he could give into the frustration boiling in his gut. “No,” he said very carefully. “Nothing’s happened. No one’s being awful to me. I’m sorry if I’m- if I’m-” he broke off, horrified to find that the tears from earlier were threatening again, clogging the back of his throat. Abruptly, the loneliness he hadn’t let himself feel – the sense of being cut off from everyone else by a secret he couldn’t bear to tell them – overwhelmed him, and he had to struggle hard against the urge to cry (awful), and the urge to just tell Tyler everything and rely on him to make Josh feel better (a terrible idea).

 

Tyler looked alarmed, sitting up very quickly and putting a hand on Josh’s shoulder. “Oh my gosh, what?” he asked, clearly baffled. “What’d I – what’s wrong?”

 

Josh shrugged him off, unable to bear being touched right now. “Nothing’s wrong,” he said, a little too firmly. “I’m fine. Everything’s fine.”

 

“Well, obviously it isn’t,” Tyler retorted, a mulish set to his jaw. “C’mon, you can tell me anything, right?”

 

“No,” Josh said harshly, then regretted it. He might as well have said outright that he was hiding something, and Tyler was like a dog with a bone when he felt Josh’s wellbeing might be in someway threatened. It was an endearing trait most of the time, but right now it wasn’t what he wanted at all. “I mean, there’s nothing to tell,” he tried weakly, but Tyler was already shaking his head. “Look, I just feel really sick, OK?” he tried again, which seemed to find more favour. And it was true, he thought, which was a sop to his conscience.

 

Tyler was still frowning, but with more concern and less disbelief. “What kinda sick?” he asked worriedly.

 

Josh evaded his eyes. “Oh, y’know,” he said uncomfortable. “I’m just. Like, sick to my stomach. I must have eaten something bad sometime, I don’t know. And I’m really tired.” He knew he sounded pathetic, but that was OK because he kind of _felt_ pathetic. His mood was all over the place, he felt like he spent most of every day trying not to throw up, and he always needed to pee. And his mind felt like it was tearing itself apart, trying to decide what to do about his situation.

 

So, yeah, he could do with some reassurance. It would be better if he’d felt like he really could tell Tyler what was going on, but he didn’t, right now. At least, he wanted to tell Tyler what was going on like he wanted to take his next breath, but he didn’t want to have to deal with everything which would come _after_ telling Tyler, and discretion was the better part of valour. Once he was certain in his own mind, then he could think about telling other people.

 

“Aw, man, that sucks,” Tyler said with easy sympathy. “You wanna go back to bed? I can’t play a show without you, you know that.” It was a blatant lie, which Josh was grateful for in these circumstances, but it warmed him all the same. “I can bring you tea. Do we have tea? I’ll make sure we get tea if we don’t have any. Or, like. Did you want something else? Have you got painkillers? We can stop at a gas station if you need anything. D’you wanna see a doctor?”

 

“Ty, Ty, it’s fine,” Josh said, before Tyler could really work himself up and quite possibly offer to fight Josh’s spurious illness. “It’s OK, for real. I’ll just – go lie down, I guess.”

 

“OK,” Tyler agreed, deflating a little. “You want tea, though? For real?”

 

“Nah, I’m good.” He let himself clap a hand on Tyler’s shoulder, though, softening the refusal – which was about as much as he was going to let himself touch anyone while his hormones were going crazy. “I’ll just grab myself some water or something. You know. Stay hydrated an’ all.”

 

“OK. OK,” Tyler nodded. “That – that sounds good. Good idea. Gimme a shout if you need anything?” Josh nodded back at him. “OK then. So, uh, like, feel better, I guess?”

 

“Do my best,” Josh promised. “And I’ll try to stop being such a douche.”

 

“Don’t even worry about it,” Tyler waved him off. “You’re sick, everyone’s kinda awful when they feel rough. Even sunshine angels like you.”

 

Josh dredged up a smile and ambled off back to his bunk, feeling like a fraud. He heard Tyler go into the back lounge, then the sounds of people trickling back through the bunks and into front of the bus – then he was dropping off into an uneasy sleep, and he didn’t hear anything at all.

 

**

 

Dimly, Josh was aware that the show they played in Boise was probably the best he’d played for a while. He was nervous as all get out about whatever the hell was going to happen tomorrow, and as always, he sublimated his worries into his drum kit, which meant his playing, at least, didn’t suffer from his current situation.

 

That was just as well, because everything else seemed to be. He’d determined that the only way to be certain he wasn’t going to snap at anyone was just to avoid people as much as possible – which had led to everyone giving him worried looks when he _did_ join them for whatever reason. Including sound check, which had become suddenly fraught with dangers, from having to jump up from his drums to run to the bathroom or being cornered by Nick to ask, for the hundredth time, whether everything was OK.

 

And on top of everything else, he was starting to worry that maybe not telling Tyler was a bad shout. In the heat of the moment, he hadn’t stopped to think that maybe Tyler would object more to not being told than he would to anything else – that being kept in the dark about the whole thing would hurt him more than anything else Josh could possibly have done in this situation. He probably wouldn’t have pressed if Josh had said he didn’t want to talk about it, and he was probably more worried about Josh’s current behaviour than was really necessary, just because he didn’t know what was going on.

 

On the other hand, Josh couldn’t seem to bring himself to say anything. It was like he didn’t have the words to even begin to broach the subject. He knew perfectly well that he was only pretending to be fine with his decision, but he was equally well aware that he’d come to that decision for several very good reasons. And if he was starting to think that maybe it was the initial shock of finding out, the surprise at having to come to terms with something he hadn’t at all been expecting, that had caused him to leap so quickly to the idea of terminating – well, that didn’t get rid of all his other objections. He had valid reasons not to want a baby right now. He was twenty-five years old, he reminded himself, the way he’d been doing for the last two weeks. He was twenty-five, he was a touring musician, and he knew himself to be a mess of an adult. He couldn’t care for a child. He couldn’t.

 

But now that he’d got at least a little used to the idea of being pregnant, he wasn’t so sure he wanted not to be. Not the way he had, anyway.

 

But that wasn’t what was at stake here. What was at stake was his career, his whole current way of life – everything he and Tyler had been working towards for so long, in fact. He wasn’t going to throw all that away because he couldn’t make up his mind to a perfectly rational decision. He might not like it, but it was the right decision all the same.

 

That was what he reminded himself as he shrugged off all invitations to go with people to various places round the city, even Tyler. He explained to anyone who asked that he was going to see a doctor about the bug everyone thought he’d picked up, and most people left it at that – Tyler gave him a rather concerned look, but even he let it go.

 

And it was what he reminded himself as he got into the taxi to the clinic, and what he reminded himself as he gave his name to the receptionist and as he was taken through into an antiseptic-smelling office, and as he was handed a series of forms and asked, with a smile, to fill them out.

 

It was the right decision. He didn’t have to like it.

 

It took him longer than he would have liked to admit to fill out the simple forms, more because he was agonising over his decision than because they were difficult. He’d come prepared with all the details of his insurance and all the previous details of his healthcare. The forms weren’t hard to fill out – making the decision to fill them out was the hard part. Every question he answered seemed like another step down a road he wasn’t sure he wanted to follow anymore, and when the fresh-faced young woman in a lab coat came into the room and smiled at him, he was on the verge of a panic attack.

 

“Hi,” she said cheerfully. “I’m Yasmin, I’ll be your healthcare provider today. You must be Mr Dun?”

 

“Josh, yeah, hi,” he croaked, and she gave him a concerned look.

 

“Alright, Josh, would you like a glass of water? You look a little stressed.”

 

“No,” he managed, trying to claw his way back to something approaching equilibrium even though he knew that never actually worked. “I’m fine.”

 

“Uh-huh,” she said, nodding dubiously. “It’s fine. What I want you to do is take a few deep breaths with me, alright? This is a very normal response to a stressful situation, Josh. So we’re going to breath in for three, hold for three, and out for six, OK? Focus on my voice and breath with me. In – and out. That’s good, you’re doing really well. And again, in… and out. And in – and out. Keep going, keep focusing on your breath. How are you feeling now?”

 

He nodded again, the racing of his heart starting to subside into something more normal, the threatening dizziness back off a little. “Yeah,” he said, rather miserably. “Better. Thanks.”

 

“That’s alright,” she said, taking a seat catty-corner to his and lacing her hands together in her lap. “So, do you feel like you can walk me through what got you so panicked?”

 

“I thought you said it was normal,” Josh tried. He’d gone to all these lengths to avoid having to discuss his decision with anyone, it seemed unfair that he’d get here and have to go through it with the doctors, though he supposed he should have expected it.

 

“It can be,” she admitted. “But sometimes we get people who’ve been coerced or threatened into getting an abortion, and that can be the reason for their anxiety. I want to be sure that you’re OK with the decision you’re making here.”

 

“I am,” he said, trying to sound firm. “I really am. I- I don’t want to be pregnant anymore.”

 

“OK then,” she said, nodding at him. “And you’re making this choice of your own free will?”

 

“Completely,” he agreed.

 

“That’s good. Have you felt able to talk to anyone about it? It’s generally useful to be able to talk to a friend or family member, someone you trust, afterwards. Most people feel relieved after the procedure, though a lot of people report feelings of guilt or anger as well, and it’s always helpful to be able to talk that through with a loved one.”

 

“I- Not yet,” he admitted. “I will, after. But I didn’t want to have to go through it beforehand.”

 

“OK,” she said, with a smile. “Sometimes people do prefer to present it as a fait accompli.” He was beginning to find her habit of talking in soothing generalities irritating, so he made sure to smile widely at her to make up for his annoyance. She smiled back, and unlaced her hands. “So, if you want to give me your charts and take your jacket off, I’m going to take your blood pressure and then take a blood sample from you, OK? That’s to test for Rh factor and anemia. I’ll need to do a pelvic exam, and then we’ll do the ultrasound. Does that sound alright?”

 

“Sounds fine,” he said, feeling rather overwhelmed. She smiled at him again.

 

“I know it’s all a bit much,” she confided cheerfully. “But it’s all to make sure that you’re as healthy as you can be. It’s a very safe procedure, but in order to make the best decisions for your health, we’ve got to know as much about it as possible. So! Jacket off, please, Josh.”

 

**

 

All things considered, Josh felt the pelvic exam was the most embarrassing part of the procedure so far. He hated giving blood, even the pinprick amount they actually took, but he preferred not to dwell on the indignity of the pelvic exam. He just wanted them to do the ultrasound and then get on with the actual procedure. Then it would be over and done with and he wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore.

 

He also wouldn’t be pregnant anymore, but the more he thought about that, the more he wanted to get up and run out.

 

He had to keep reminding himself that he didn’t _want_ to be pregnant, he didn’t _want_ a baby, but every repetition rang less true than the last, and by the time he was sliding awkwardly into the padded chair for the ultrasound, he could feel his heart rate picking up again.

 

“The gel might feel a little cold,” Yasmin said calmly, and promptly began smearing what felt like liquid ice over his abdomen. He hissed in a breath, and she grinned rather wickedly at him. “Understatement, isn’t it? It’s like nothing we do can warm it up.”

 

“It’s cold, yeah,” he agreed, unable to come up with anything more to add to the conversation.

 

“OK, so I’m going to have a hunt around in there for the embryo, and try and get an idea of gestational age,” she said. “I’ll let you know when I’m…” she trailed off, pressing the ultrasound wand firmly into his belly. “Well, the image is coming through nice and clear! I think I’m getting the picture now – did you want to see?” It was said very kindly, and Josh felt as though was going mad.

 

Did he want to see? He was pretty sure it would just make everything worse – make his decision harder – if he did, and yet part of him really, really wanted to.

 

“Yes,” he said, before he could second-guess himself.

 

Yasmin flipped the screen for him, and he stared, uncomprehendingly, at the greyscale image. For a moment, nothing about it made any sense, and then slowly it started to come together. He could see – it was tiny and hardly visible, but he could _see_ the tiny beginnings of a baby, right there on the screen.

 

His eyes fixed on the image, he murmured, “do you – do you ever get people who just – who change their minds?”

 

Yasmin paused, eyeing him. Then she smiled a little. “It does happen,” she said kindly. “Do you want to change your mind?”

 

Josh thought for a long, silent moment. He thought about all of the reasons he’d made his decision in the first place – all of the things that made having a baby right now a terrible idea. And then he weighed them against the absolute fact of the almost-baby he could see right there on the screen, and found all of them wanting.

 

“I mean,” he began, unsure of what he was actually about to say. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

 

“Do you want to talk me through your decision?” Yasmin asked, wiping the ultrasound wand and putting it down. “I’d hate to think you made your decision rashly and ended up regretting it.” She grinned at him suddenly. “Perhaps we should wipe the gel off first and get comfortable.”

 

He managed to smile back, still a little overwhelmed by his own volte-face, and nodded. “Yeah, that’d be good,” he agreed meekly.

 

Ten minutes later, they were sat back down, Josh de-gelled and both of them thankfully fully clothed, and Yasmin was already talking.

 

“The thing is,” she said confidentially, “seeing the ultrasound picture can be pretty overpowering, which is why we prefer to offer people a choice about seeing it. Maybe going through the reasons you first decided to seek an abortion would help?”

 

Josh nodded awkwardly. “Well,” he started unsurely, “I’m twenty five, you know? Like. I know people _have_ babies at my age and it’s totally fine, but, like, I’m kind of a mess. It didn’t seem fair to have a kid when I- I don’t exactly have my head on straight all the time. And there’s my job.” He trailed off, uncertain as to how much he should tell Yasmin, however nice she seemed.

 

“What is your job?” she asked encouragingly.

 

He took the plunge. “I’m a musician,” he told her. “I’m – I’m a drummer. It’s pretty physical, you know? And I’m away from home a lot. Like, a lot. Which is fine when the kid’s a baby, but what happens when they start school? I for sure can’t home school her. And there’s only two of us in the band, and people are kinda starting to hear about us, which is super cool, but it makes it kinda hard to be like, ‘so hey, guys, great meeting you all, I gotta drop out and have a baby now’. Tyler – my band mate – that doesn’t seem like something I could do to him.”

 

“Are you worried that your friend won’t support you?” Yasmin asked.

 

Josh considered it, and considered, for a lightning moment, telling her that describing Tyler as his friend was almost an understatement. Then he thought that that might make her think Tyler was the kid’s father, and dismissed it. “Nah, not really,” he said slowly. “I mean, I don’t think he’s gonna love this whole thing. But he’ll probably think I’m way more capable of being a parent than I do, so that’s something, I guess?”

 

Yasmin smiled reassuringly. “And what about your family?”

 

Josh stared down at his hands, absentmindedly worrying at a callous on his thumb. “They’re, uh. My parents are pretty religious,” he admitted. “I mean, like, they’ll be happy for me and stuff? And they’re not from the dark ages, they’ll be cool with my decision. But they’d _prefer_ it if I’d got married first, I guess.” Suddenly, he felt like he’d said way too much and shook his head. “I can deal with it,” he said, almost defiantly. “They’d prefer me to have the kid without getting married than for me to have an abortion.”

 

Yasmin pounced on that, and Josh thought grimly that he probably should have expected her to. “Is that one of the reasons for you changing your mind?” she asked.

 

“No,” he said firmly. “I wouldn’t have told ’em if I’d gone through with it, they wouldn’t have known about it.” That was probably the wrong thing to say; he didn’t care. He forged ahead. “But I guess I’m more worried about having to deal with this whole thing by myself than anything else. Like, everyone’ll respect my decision when they know about it, so.”

 

“Surely everyone who respects your decision will support you, too?” Yasmin asked carefully. “And what about the other parent?”

 

Josh shrugged, looking down at his hands again. “Yeah,” he muttered. “Yeah, they’re – they’re not around. I. I, um, don’t actually know exactly who they are.”

 

Yasmin blinked once, then nodded. “OK, well, it is tough, taking care of a child on your own,” she agreed. “I suppose you’ve got to think of the real basics: can you support a child financially, can you handle everything they’re going to need emotionally, go through your decision to keep the child and make sure that you’ve thought it all through. You can always come into Planned Parenthood for advice during your pregnancy, and we can help you with antenatal care as well. Shall we go on with the appointment as if it were a standard check-up for a new pregnancy?”

 

**

 

By the time Yasmin released him – with a raft of numbers to call, helplines for everything from post-abortion counselling to post-birth – Josh’s head was spinning, and all he really wanted was to lie down in a darkened room and cut himself off from the world for a while. He felt exhausted, drained, and he was already dreading the journey back to the bus – which suddenly felt like an insuperable distance – and the number of conversations he was going to have to have after this.

 

On the other hand, there was one person he desperately wanted to see.

 

“Ty?” he said rather plaintively, when Tyler picked up the phone.

 

“S’up?” Tyler asked, quick concern in his voice.

 

“Can you come pick up me?” Josh asked. “I c’n text you my address, but. Please?”

 

“’Course,” Tyler said easily. “Don’t bother with texting – where are you?”

 

“2557 South Port Road,” Josh told him.

 

“You OK?” Tyler sounded worried, and Josh wished he could reassure him, but he didn’t have an answer for him immediately.

 

He stared straight ahead without focusing as he considered the question. Was he OK? He had no idea. On the other hand, telling Tyler that he didn’t know would be a terrible idea – the last thing he wanted right now was to have to deal with Tyler storming into a Planned Parenthood waving his saviour complex aloft. “Yeah,” he said uncertainly. “I mean, like, I’m fine? But I’d kinda like some company right now.”

 

Tyler’s voice was sympathetic. “OK, man. I’ll be right there, kay?”

 

“Thanks,” Josh said, feeling ridiculous. “See you in a few?”

 

“Like, fifteen minutes max.”

 

“Thanks,” he said again, and hung up.

 

By the time Tyler arrived, he was waiting outside the building, and he knew that he’d managed to fret himself into an entirely unnecessary state. It had occurred to him moments after he’d hung up that getting Tyler to come and pick him up from a Planned Parenthood clinic probably wasn’t the subtlest way to go about breaking the news to him. On the other hand, while he knew academically that he could call a cab and be picked up and the journey back to the bus would be an easy thing, he felt – as he often had – that it would just be easier and better if Tyler were there.

 

And so he’d called Tyler. He just hoped, almost against hope, that he wasn’t making a horrible mistake.

 

When Josh got into the cab with him, Tyler was already frowning, more confused than angry, but Josh wasn’t in a mind-set to make that kind of distinction, and he had to resist the urge to hunch over on himself. (Apart from anything, it wouldn’t be easy to do in the car.)

 

“So, you’re gonna explain this, right?” Tyler asked warily, and Josh nodded.

 

“Yeah,” he said, leaning his head back against the rest because it meant he could shut his eyes, and also because it made it impossible for him to curl up the way he still kind of wanted to.

 

He opened his eyes, though, when Tyler laced their hands together, and glanced over at him. Tyler quirked a tiny smile, and shrugged. “Looked like you could use it,” he said, with half a shrug, and Josh managed to smile back.

 

“That’s real nice,” the cab driver told them, eyeing them in the rear-view mirror, “but maybe one of you could tell me where you want me to drop you off?”

 

**

 

It was only by dint of deep breaths, focusing exercises and the grounding feeling of Tyler’s hand in his that Josh managed to keep his calm all the way back to the bus. In a lot of ways, he thought that telling Tyler before now would have been easier – if he’d been open about getting an abortion, he wouldn’t be in the position of having to explain everything up to this point _right now_. And he knew that Tyler was going to be hurt at being kept in the dark. On the other hand, Tyler was Tyler – he might be hurt, he might be angry and he might disagree with Josh’s decisions, but he’d still be his friend. Even at his worst and least confident moments, Josh at least had faith in that.

 

Also, Tyler wasn’t exactly the sort of asshole who’d try and force his decisions onto someone else, so there was that.

 

Even knowing all that, it took an effort of will not to start with ‘don’t be mad’. Josh knew perfectly well that for him, apologising was almost a reflex action, but while he was still confused and maybe even a little afraid of his own actions, he wasn’t going to start off by apologising for them. Not to anyone. Not even to Tyler. It was his body and his business, and he could be sorry that it was going to impact on the band, but he wasn’t sorry for exercising his right to make his own decisions.

 

So instead, he sat down and watched as Tyler cleared the bus of what few members of the crew had stayed behind (“OK, people, out out out, important band meeting, super secret, sorry, no audience required – seriously, bro, don’t do that on the bus, what, were you raised in a barn? C’mon, git!”) and began to pace – to the bunks, turn, to the fridge, turn, to the sofa, stop.

 

“OK,” Tyler said, having come to a halt in front of Josh, all the easy energy of a minute ago drained away. Instead of a grin, his expression had settled into the blank-but-open listening face learnt by anyone who spent any time in therapy. “So, you gonna tell me why I picked you up from a Planned Parenthood?”

 

Josh took a deep breath, and met Tyler’s eyes. “Yeah,” he said awkwardly. “So. I’m pregnant.”

 

Tyler’s neutral expression froze into one of genuine shock. “What?”

 

“I’m gonna have a kid.”

 

“Yeah, I know what ‘pregnant’ means, dude,” Tyler retorted, without bite. “Wow. OK. When?”

 

“Well, they reckon I’m about two months along,” Josh said quietly. “So we think Spring sometime. April or May. They’re doing some more tests to be sure, cos, you know. I wasn’t expecting it, so I’m not – like, I don’t know – I dunno when exactly it was?” He couldn’t quite meet Tyler’s eyes, and he hurried on. “So, uh, you’re gonna need to get someone else in for the second part of the tour-”

 

“Uh, no, hold up,” Tyler said, holding up a hand. “Sorry, are you seriously talking about work right now? Like, now? Bro, seriously.” He collapsed onto the sofa next to Josh, and stared meditatively up at the ceiling. “Are you OK?” he asked, after a moment’s silence. “Like. I mean, properly?”

 

“Better now I’ve told you,” Josh admitted, which perhaps wasn’t the wisest move, because Tyler was out of his easy slouch in seconds, sitting bolt upright and staring at him.

 

“So how long have you known?” he demanded, and Josh winced, internally pulling a face at himself.

 

“Few weeks?” he offered lamely. “Like, three at the most.”

 

Tyler slumped forward, staring at his hands. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, hurt. “I – I mean, I’m guessing that’s why you’ve been so off the last couple weeks?” Josh shrugged awkwardly, because it was most of the reason, but not _all_ of the reason, and he was still trying to gear himself up to tell Tyler why he’d been at the clinic today. “Wouldn’t it have helped to talk about it?” Tyler persisted, and Josh shrugged again, rather helplessly. “An’ I coulda come with you for your check up, if you wanted, like – I’d have really liked to have come, if you’d wanted me there. Seriously, Jish, what gives? It’s not like doing this stuff by yourself _helps_ , we both know that, and it’s gotta have been crazy, going off for a check up alone-”

 

“Wasn’t a check up,” Josh mumbled, rather reluctantly biting the bullet.

 

“What?” Tyler said, halting ludicrously mid-flow.

 

Josh cleared his throat. “It wasn’t a check-up,” he said. “I didn’t go in for a check up.”

 

A tiny frown was beginning on Tyler’s face when Josh risked a glance up at him, and he sounded rather tentative when he said, “then what did you go in for?”

 

Josh took a deep breath, and let it go again before he answered. “I went in to get an abortion,” he said, keeping his voice as even as he could.

 

For a second, Tyler didn’t react at all, and then Josh had an armful of best friend as Tyler all but threw himself at him in an awkward sideways hug. “Oh, man,” he said, pulling back. “Are you OK? I mean. Like. You said you’re pregnant, so…?” He trailed off on that uncertain derogative, and Josh quirked a rather bitter smile at him.

 

“Yeah,” he shrugged. “They – you get the chance to see the ultrasound? And I just. I couldn’t. Not after seeing it.” Tyler slid an arm around his shoulders, and Josh leant into the offered comfort gratefully. “Thanks, man,” he said, voice muffled by Tyler’s hoodie. “Sorry I’ve been so awful.”

 

“I think you get a pass,” Tyler told him quietly. “Couldn’t do it, huh?”

 

“Yeah,” Josh agreed, pulling back a little. Now that the worst of it was out the way, he was pretty sure he could make a properly clean breast of it. “When I set it up, I was like, I just really don’t wanna be pregnant, you know? But then I – like, that was a couple of weeks ago,” Tyler’s arm tightened round him a little, “and I was kind of thinking it over, not properly, but I guess I just got used to the idea, and now. Like. I guess I do?” He shook his head, frustrated. “That’s not really it either. I just didn’t want to get rid of it badly enough to actually have an abortion.”

 

Tyler was silent for a moment, and then he nodded, pressing his face into Josh’s shoulder for a brief second then pulling back himself. Without Tyler’s arm round him, Josh felt weirdly bereft and he hugged himself absently while Tyler pulled himself together.

 

When Tyler did eventually speak, he was clearly picking his words carefully. “It’s totally your decision, dude,” he said cautiously. “But, I dunno. You’ve kind of been – both times you’ve made a decision under stress, right? You’re what, two months in, you said?” Josh nodded. “You can take some more time, think it over – _talk_ it over with people,” he gave him a hard look, and Josh smiled back, unspeakably relieved that he had told Tyler, that he’d have his best friend onside for this now, “and, like. You can reschedule the appointment. If you want.”

 

“I don’t think I’m gonna,” Josh told him. The experience in the clinic had been an eye-opener in that respect. As much as he didn’t want to complicate his life, and as much as he didn’t want to screw things up for Tyler, he wanted this kid. It had been a shock – a nasty one, to start with – but now he’d got his head around it, he really _wanted_ this baby, with all the complications and difficulties and awkwardness that raising a child would bring with it.

 

“OK,” Tyler nodded. “OK. You just gotta make the best decision for you, you know? Cos the best decision for you is the best decision for your kid. I don’t want you to do anything you’re gonna regret, either way. You think having this kid is the right thing, then that’s what we’ll do.”

 

Josh slanted a look at him, a little taken aback. “Being pregnant’s pretty much a one-person process, man,” he pointed out, and Tyler knocked his shoulder with his own.

 

“Yeah, funny guy,” he deadpanned. “You know what I mean.”

 

“Yeah. And, uh. Thanks.”

 

They sat in comfortable silence for a minute or two, then Tyler was pulling him in for another hug. “Guess I didn’t say congrats yet, huh,” he told Josh through what had to be a mouthful of hair. “You’re gonna be a great dad.”

 

“Jury’s out on that one,” Josh retorted into Tyler’s shoulder. “Jury’s out on that one for the next eighteen years.”

 

Tyler pulled back enough to frown at him. “It’s going to be great,” he said in a tone that heavily implied that he would make it so through the sheer force of his belief. “ _You’re_ going to be great.”

 

“Well, I’m gonna be willing, which is more than I coulda said a week ago,” Josh said, skirting the issue.

 

“Yeah,” Tyler said slowly, “talking of that. I mean, being willing and all. Where’s the other parent?”

 

And wasn’t that just the question Josh had been dreading in particular. Flushing a little, he drew back, separating himself from Tyler completely and wrapping his arms around himself again. “Yeah, I don’t know,” he said uncomfortably. “I mean. I dunno who they are.”

 

Tyler blinked. “Huh. You’ve got no idea?”

 

There really was no good way to say ‘I’ve had a lot of sex’ to another person without either sounding shamefaced or boastful, and Josh didn’t really feel either of them. Also, it wasn’t something he especially wanted to have to tell Tyler, who’d spent months mourning the end of his relationship with Jenna, and had then lived like a monk for several months after that, out of some kind of obscure loyalty Josh had never wanted to probe.

 

It particularly wasn’t something he wanted to say to Tyler when one reason for his cheerful sleeping around had been a rather rueful acceptance that he’d never actually get to sleep with Tyler.

 

“Um, no,” he said, instead of trying to explain any of that, which could only lead to disaster. “I, er. I guess I wasn’t really just sticking to one person?”

 

“Right,” Tyler said, nodding slowly. “You – don’t wanna find out who they are?”

 

Josh shrugged again. He felt like there was no better response to a lot of these questions. “Not really? Like, I don’t even know where to start, and I don’t – like, whoever it was, I’m clearly not in a relationship with them. I don’t think parenting with whoever it was is gonna be super fun, and I don’t even know how I’d track them down, so.” He paused, a little taken aback by the unexpected deluge of words. “I just don’t wanna,” he said, quietly.

 

“OK,” Tyler said, wrapping his arm round him again. “OK, Jish.”

 

They sat in silence for a comfortable moment, until Josh let his head fall onto Tyler’s shoulder.

 

“Aw, hell, Ty, what’m I gonna do?” he asked, the question he’d been wanting to ask for weeks now. “I mean, we c’n sit here and talk about how it’s gonna be fine, me having this kid and parenting them by myself, but there’s other stuff to consider in our lives, you know? Like. We’ve got a band. We’re the only people _in_ the band. And it’s cool for me to drop out, I guess-”

 

“It is not cool,” Tyler interrupted firmly. “You’re an integral part of the band, and anyone who says you aren’t is going to get – is going to get -!” Josh waited with interest as Tyler fought a difficult battle between his desire not to hurt anybody and his desire to eviscerate anyone who said nasty things about Josh. “Well, it’s not going to be fun for them, that’s all I’m saying,” he ended, rather lamely.

 

“Yeah, I know your whole shtick,” Josh said, just a little impatiently, his interest reverting back to the problem at hand. “But I _am_ more replaceable than you, Ty-”

 

“No,” Tyler said coolly. “That’s not the way it is. We can get another drummer in, but we can’t _replace_ you.”

 

Josh waved that off as semantics. “OK, sure,” he said, taking a deep breath, because this conversation sucked. “Fine, you can get another drummer.”

 

“Who will not be a replacement for you,” Tyler put in firmly.

 

“Who will not be a replacement for me, I get it,” Josh agreed. It was always far easier to agree than argue with Tyler about the things he considered Very Important, and Josh had enough experience to work out what those things were. It was something in the way Tyler’s eyes lit up with what could only be called fanaticism. “But when I come back, it’ll be with a kid in tow. I mean, a baby who’ll grow into a kid. And, like, sure I want this whole thing we’ve got to go on forever, but doing that with a baby around? Like, do we want to be doing this with a teenager on the bus? How much is my kid gonna hate me for dragging them around everywhere with me? Cos I can’t just dump them on my parents and leave, and it’s not like there’s a stay-at-home parent to look after them while I’m on tour.” He paused to take a deep breath. “See, this is why I went off to get an abortion. One of the reasons, anyway,” he told his knees. “A baby’s gonna complicate things.”

 

“Yeah,” Tyler agreed, and Josh appreciated it. It was nice not to have to worry that Tyler would soften things for him now and end up resenting him down the road. “But that doesn’t matter if it’s what you want. We c’n make it work.”

 

Josh glanced at him. “Ty, I really appreciate it,” he said sincerely, “and I know you’ll be around, but this isn’t a ‘we’ thing. Like, sure, you’ll be the kid’s uncle or whatever, but I’m gonna be parenting them by myself.”

 

Tyler shrugged and pulled back into himself a little, drawing his arm back from round Josh’s shoulders. “You’re not in a band by yourself,” he pointed out. “That’s still a two-person job. Multi-person job, really. There’s a load of people invested in making us work these days. Maybe you should talk to them, if you’re worried about how it’s gonna affect your job.” He nudged Josh’s shoulder with his own. “But they don’t get to say who’s in our band and who isn’t and I’m not chucking you out if you decide to keep your kid.”

 

Josh grinned at him. “Yeah, I didn’t think you were going to,” he said easily, and Tyler smiled back, looking just a little preoccupied.

 

“OK,” he said. “So, like. I guess you’ve gotta take some time? To sort things out in your head – yeah, I know, you’re not gonna change your mind. Whether or not you keep the – the baby, that’s not the only thing. You’ve gotta think about what you’re gonna tell your parents, the label, the fans… and, y’know,” he paused, looking uneasy. “People are gonna say some pretty nasty stuff about you when they know the other dad isn’t around.”

 

“Pretty sure that’ll hurt you more than it hurts me,” Josh said, rather apologetically. Tyler was the one who had a real issue with people who badmouthed Josh – Josh, who badmouthed himself constantly in his head, had developed something of an immunity to it. It was worse to imagine what people could be thinking of him than it was to hear it said out loud.

 

Tyler shrugged off his concern. “We’ll deal with it,” he said. There was a faintly martial light in his eye. Josh was willing to bet that, should it come to it, Tyler would be issuing regular bulletins on the subject of Josh’s awesomeness and right to make his own choices.

 

Better people than the denizens of Twitter had fallen before that look.

 

“OK,” he said simply. Trying to head the problem off at the pass never really worked with Tyler – if anything, it just made him sneaky, and Josh would always prefer to know what Tyler was plotting in advance. “So, I go away and think about what I’ve done-”

 

“I did not say it like that,” Tyler said, genuinely offended, and Josh patted him on the shoulder to take the sting out of his words.

 

“-then we plot how to deal with telling everyone,” he went on. “Then we work out who’s gonna take my place, cos, I dunno, I don’t think it’s gonna be safe to drum right up until the kid pops out.”

 

“Are you safe to play now?” Tyler asked with quick anxiety.

 

“Yeah,” Josh nodded. “Doctor said so.” He’d made a point of checking.

 

“OK. That’s – that’s good.” Tyler considered things. “When’re you gonna tell your family?” he asked, just a little diffidently, and Josh shook his head.

 

“Aw, man, I don’t even know,” he said. “Not right away, I guess?” He let the silence drag out for a few moments, then admitted what both of them knew. “Mom and Dad aren’t gonna be – they’re not gonna be thrilled about this,” he said, and Tyler nodded sympathetically.

 

“Anything I can do?” he asked, and Josh shook his head.

 

“Doubt it,” he said, with a weak laugh. “Not unless you wanna get hitched real quick before we tell ’em. Before _I_ tell ’em.” For a second, Tyler looked as though he was genuinely considering and Josh hurried to avert that little disaster-in-the-making. “Oh, man, no. No, seriously, just – just no. Just don’t say anything. I was _joking_.”

 

“Yeah, but it’s a solution,” Tyler pointed out, with a sideways grin and a slant of his eyes which let Josh know he’d been had.

 

“Mm,” he agreed. “Right up until we have to work out who gets the band in the divorce.”

 

“Who says we’d be getting divorced?” Tyler asked, with mock outrage. “We’d have a great marriage.” He paused and eyed Josh. “You know,” he said, after a beat or two of silence, “we could tell ’em it’s mine. Your parents, I mean.”

 

“Do not,” Josh said urgently. “Do not do that.”

 

Tyler laughed outright at that. “Oh man, OK, that was – that was just the best face you’ve ever pulled,” he said, and shook his head. “Nah, I wasn’t serious. Like. That would just be the worst plan.”

 

“Yeah,” Josh agreed. “Can you imagine what my mom’d say?” They both paused for a moment to picture Mrs Dun’s reaction in all its glory.

 

Tyler shuddered delicately. “Dude, can you imagine _my_ mom’s reaction? ‘We did not bring you up like this! Now you do the right thing by that boy, or so help me!’ And she’d use all my names.”

 

Josh laughed, relieved that if nothing else, their relationship at least was as normal as ever. “I think we just gotta agree that neither of us are gonna lie to our moms,” he said simply, and Tyler nodded fervently.

 

“Yeah, sorry man. Even for you, I wouldn’t go through that,” he agreed, and stood. “OK. So, I guess that’s the basic plan for now?”

 

Josh shrugged. “Guess so,” he agreed, letting the note of humour die. For all his bravado, and all his fronting, the next couple of weeks were a grim prospect. He screwed his eyes shut, allowing himself a couple of seconds to feel exhausted and overwhelmed, then he shook himself out of it. If he was going to be a parent – and he took Tyler’s point, it _would_ be a good idea to consider that carefully, when he _wasn’t_ under any kind of stress either way – he’d have to be more resilient than this.

 

After all, he’d be doing it by himself.

 

**

 

It wasn't as though Tyler had been unaware that Josh wasn't acting like himself over the last few weeks. He'd been able to convince himself, at the beginning, that it was in his head - he knew that he sometimes misconstrued things when he let them roll around in his head for too long, and he also knew that he could occasionally be a little too hyper-focused on Josh. Which generally meant that even the most minute change in Josh's behaviour seemed enormous to him, and he lacked the perspective to put it into reasonable context. So he dismissed his own concerns until no fewer than three people had asked him if Josh was ok. Apparently asking Josh himself was not an option.

 

Tyler had had theories. He'd had worries. He'd had ideas.

 

None of them had included a baby.

 

Stunned wasn't really the right word. If anything, he was feeling too much. He was a little hurt that Josh hadn't told him, that was part of it. He was scared, surprised, alarmed, worried and taken aback, all at once, and he wasn't even having the kid. He couldn't imagine how Josh was feeling. No wonder he hadn't been able to go through with the abortion - if it had been Tyler, he'd still have been wondering what he actually felt.

 

And Josh hadn't _told_ anyone.

 

Not that Tyler blamed him for that, exactly. He could certainly understand where Josh had been coming from, particularly since he’d been planning to have an abortion. But logic wasn’t really helping him in this situation – he just wished Josh had told him. They were friends. And Tyler hadn’t exactly put a lot of thought into it, but if he had he would have imagined that anyone would feel upset and on edge after going through with something like that. Actually, he would have thought that most people would want support after any medical procedure, really, but particularly one that was so loaded with emotional pitfalls. Being made to feel like you’d done something awful, not being sure if you’d done the right thing – even if someone was completely secure in their decision and didn’t regret it for a moment, they deserved love and support in the aftermath.

 

And particularly someone like Josh, who was already pretty prone to beating himself up over stuff, second-guessing his own actions.

 

He responded best to calm when he was stressed and tense, Tyler knew from experience. Calm, and not being asked to make any decisions. Which was all well and good, except he had some pretty major decisions to make, and Tyler couldn’t help him with them. Or, he could, as a sounding board and a support, but he couldn’t do anything more. He couldn’t even try to make Josh talk about it, because clearly that wasn’t something Josh was comfortable with, and in any case, he was worried about – terrified of, really – making it seem as though he had a preference either way.

 

He didn’t, in any case. He’d support whatever decision Josh came to. Firstly because he didn’t have any right to do anything else, and secondly because whatever Josh ended up doing was going to be hard, and as his friend, Tyler had a duty – a right – to help him with it.

 

And if Josh _did_ keep the kid, Tyler was going to spoil them rotten. For a second, he wondered idly about what a child of Josh’s would be like – what they’d inherit from him, what they’d learn from him. Would they have the same smile? Would they be as sweet as he was? And it’d be interesting to see what Josh was like as a parent, not least because Tyler had never given it any thought before. He hadn’t even known Josh was hormone positive.

 

Which was something else he was going to have to think about when he had time to really obsess over it, in private.

 

Tyler shook himself briskly. It was a big deal, the whole thing, a huge deal, but in the moment it could be broken down into smaller things until it didn’t feel quite so overwhelming. He paced briefly, then turned back to the sofa where Josh was still sitting, almost slumped forwards, an abstracted frown on his face.

 

“D’you wanna tell anyone else?” he asked tentatively. Josh had looked up at the sound of his voice, but he clearly hadn’t been paying attention, and Tyler repeated the question.

 

“Oh. Oh, no,” Josh said slowly. “Not yet.” He shrugged and gave Tyler a rueful look. “I dunno what to tell them,” he admitted. “I mean, I only told you cos – like, don’t take it the wrong way, but I only told you cos I had to. I mean, I had to tell someone. And. I dunno, of everyone I wanted to tell you, I guess?” He hurried on before Tyler could reply, which was just as well, since Tyler had no idea what he could have said. “But no one else. When I know for sure what I’m gonna do, I’ll tell ’em then. If I have to.”

 

If he decided to keep the kid, in other words. In a strange way, Tyler was kind of relieved that Josh was going to take some time to really consider what he wanted to do – not because he wanted Josh to get rid of his baby, but because it meant he would have made a calm, reasoned decision. Not a knee jerk reaction based on what he felt he had to do, or a sudden panicked certainty that he couldn’t have an abortion. Whatever Josh chose to do after this, it would be because he really wanted to do it.

 

All Tyler had to do was wait until Josh told him his decision.

 

It was going to be hell.

 

**

 

The next couple of weeks were fairly hellish for both of them. Tyler had been aware, in a dim kind of way, that it had to have been difficult for Josh when he was the only one who knew, but he felt he hadn’t really appreciated it until he was living that reality right alongside him. It was tough, knowing that Josh was going through something so huge, and not being able to talk about it with anyone else – knowing that to everyone else, Josh appeared snappish and sulky, when he was feeling queasy and hormonal and off-kilter.

 

So it was a relief when, after two weeks of radio silence on the subject, Josh flumped down onto the sofa in their dressing room, during a rare five minutes when they had it to themselves, and said firmly, “OK. I’ve thought about it – like, really thought about it.”

 

Tyler put his phone down, the better to give his full attention to the conversation. “Yeah?”

 

“Yeah,” Josh nodded, his mouth set in a rather stubborn line. “I’m keeping it.”

 

Tyler nodded back at him. “OK then,” he said simply. “Congrats, man. Whatcha hoping for?”

 

Josh blinked at him. “What?”

 

“Boy or girl?” Tyler prodded. For a second, he thought Josh wasn’t going to answer – then he shrugged.

 

“I dunno,” he said simply. “Kinda hadn’t really got that far, I guess.” His eyes slid away from Tyler’s, unfocused and slightly narrowed as he turned the question over in his mind. “I mean, either’d be pretty cool, I guess? I- I don’t think I really care, honestly.”

 

“That’s cool too,” Tyler nodded easily. “So, whatcha wanna do from here?”

 

Josh shrugged rather helplessly, then squared his shoulders against sofa cushions. “Tell everyone, I guess,” he said, a little tentatively. He gave Tyler a rather worried look. “I’m kinda, like, I know it’s gonna make things difficult. But I want this kid.”

 

“Dude,” Tyler said, a little hurt that Josh apparently thought that he wouldn’t support him with this. “C’mon.”

 

Josh let his head flop back onto the sofa cushions. “Yeah, I know,” he said, half apologetic and half defensive. “I’m just all screwed up here, Ty, for real. I dunno if I’m coming or going. I just wanna keep my kid, but there’s all this,” he made an inexplicable gesture, “ _stuff_ around that, and I still dunno how I’m gonna solve any of it, so it’s, like, a really hard call to make, you know? Like, how’m I gonna school them? I for sure can’t homeschool ’em, I can’t leave ’em by themselves, I can’t afford to get, like, what a tutor for them? And-”

 

“Wow, man, just – calm, OK?” Tyler cut in quickly. “Dang, we shoulda talked earlier. You been working yourself up about this? It’s their education, Jish, you got time. They haven’t even been _born_ yet.”

 

“I know,” Josh mumbled, screwing his eyes shut and dragging a hand over his face. “I just can’t stop.” He opened his eyes to meet Tyler’s again. “And there’s other stuff too,” he added. “Like, when do I drop out of tour? What do we tell everyone? I never even got round to – like, I don’t have a house yet. I gotta house hunt, set up a fu-freaking nursery, I gotta tell my parents…” he quirked a forced smile at Tyler and shrugged. “So I guess I’m kinda freaking out,” he said rather ruefully.

 

“Yeah,” Tyler agreed, and moved to sit next to him on the sofa, knocking his shoulder carefully against Josh’s. “But you got cause.”

 

“I know,” Josh agreed, leaning into him. “I’m just. I really want this kid, but I’m really scared, Ty.”

 

Feeling helpless himself, Tyler just nodded. “Yeah, I know,” he agreed. “But it’s gonna be OK, you know? It’s gonna be fine. We’ll break it down and take everything one thing at a time.”

 

“Don’t see what else we can do,” Josh agreed.

 

Suddenly, it struck Tyler as unfair that Josh wasn’t getting to look forward to his baby the way the majority of new parents did, and, as he was aware he always did, he took it as a personal affront that something in Josh’s life might not be perfect. Sure, he, Tyler, might have paid lip service to the idea of congratulating Josh on his impending parenthood, but he could have done more. He might have said they’d deal with the problems he’d have to face, but he could do more there, too. He could deal with the nonsense – Josh, who was actually _pregnant_ and probably shouldn’t be stressed at all, could do the fun stuff. He was pretty sure pregnant people weren’t supposed to be stressed. He was almost certain he’d read it somewhere.

 

“OK, enough,” he said suddenly, clearly taking Josh aback. “Don’t worry about, like, telling people, and the label, and all that right now. I’ll deal with all that crap-”

 

“No,” Josh said with surprising firmness. “I can handle it, Ty. For serious.”

 

“Yeah, but you shouldn’t have to,” Tyler tried, but Josh shook his head. He was smiling, but he looked firm all the same.

 

“It’s just the same as taking maternity leave, right? I’d have to sort that out for myself. I can cope.”

 

“I didn’t think you couldn’t,” Tyler said rather weakly.

 

Josh grinned at him. “I know you don’t,” he agreed. “You’re thinkin’, oh, he’s gonna be worrying about all this stuff and not looking forward to anything. But I totally am. I’m just worrying too. Cos that’s kinda what I do.”

 

Tyler had to accede the point. Worrying _was_ just what Josh did. “OK,” he said reluctantly. “I guess. But I’ma help, OK?”

 

“Don’t think I could stop you,” Josh agreed, still grinning.

 

“Darn straight,” Tyler retorted, and grinned back. They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes before Tyler straightened up and turned to him. “Oh, man. Who’re you gonna tell first?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Halloween chapter! Happy Halloween! This is not intended to be scary, though we continue to have many, many regrets.

“Hey man,” Josh said, sidling up to him in the back lounge. He eyed Mark’s open laptop, and added, “you busy?”

“Nope,” Mark told him. Since it’d been weeks since Josh had said anything to anyone beyond the basics, he figured that Mark was doing him a favour even by listening to him – he didn’t want to interrupt him if he was actually busy. So:

“You sure?”

Mark gave him a disturbingly knowing look. “I’m tryin’ to write an email to my mom, telling her that I _already_ have a real job, and that yeah, I’m eating a balanced diet and exercising regularly and getting enough sleep. So yeah. I could do with some interrupting.”

“Cool,” Josh said, then paused. “You lie to your mom a lot, then, huh,” he said thoughtfully, and accepted as his due the punch to the arm Mark gave him in retaliation.

“I- God, I know there’s a your-mom joke in there somewhere, but I just can’t get it,” Mark told him, frustrated. “I think it’s option paralysis. I lied to your mom last night? I lie with your mom a lot more? S’kinda Biblical, but it kinda works. Your mom lies when she says she loves you?”

Josh considered it. “Kinda harsh,” he offered.

Mark nodded, philosophic. “I never get an opening like that,” he said, turning his attention back to his laptop. “Can’t believe I bottled it. What’s up?”

“I got some news,” Josh said, nerves coiling in his stomach. He was pretty tempted to bottle out himself.

“Oh?” Mark glanced at him. “Anything about why you’ve been such a douche the last few weeks?”

Josh shrugged, awkward. “Yeah, I guess. Sorry about that, man.”

“Nah, s’cool. Just weird coming from you, you know? We _expect_ Tyler to be a little shit. You’re the nice one.” His grin took the bite out of his words. “So – news?”

“Yeah.” For a second, Josh picked at the rip in the knees of his jeans, then he took a deep breath and said, in a rush, “I’m pregnant.”

Mark didn’t even look his way. “Yeah, sure,” he said easily.

Honestly, Josh hadn’t seen that one coming. It felt so desperately real to him that the idea of anyone thinking he might joke about it was anathema to him. “No,” he said firmly. “I really am.”

The absence of any humour in his voice finally made Mark look over at him. “You’re messing with me,” he tried, just a little uncertainly.

“I’m really not,” Josh assured him.

For a few moments, there was complete silence in the back lounge. Then, very deliberately, Mark shut his laptop.

“OK, run it by me one more time,” he said, his voice very measured.

“I am pregnant.” Having to repeat it every time he told anyone was going to get very old very fast, Josh reflected a little ruefully.

“Huh.” Mark took a couple of seconds to absorb it. “Uh, congrats?”

“Thanks, man.”

“S’cool,” Mark said contemplatively. “I can kinda see you as a dad.”

“You’re ahead of me, then,” Josh said ruefully. “I’m still sorta coming to terms with it. I know it’s real, and I’ve been – like, I’ve been thinking about when it’s older? But I haven’t really been _thinking_ about it. You know?”

“No,” Mark said easily. “But I can guess what you mean. I think.” He cast Josh a sideways smile, and added matter-of-factly, “I’m not being godfather.”

“Aw, you know you’ll be Uncle Marky anyway,” Josh told him sweetly, regaining a sense of humour.

“Oh my god that’s so creepy,” Mark said with a shudder. “So when’s it due?”

“Spring sometime,” Josh said vaguely. “Not really sure right now. But sometime in the spring.”

“Good to see you’re really on the ball about all this,” Mark sniped without heat. “What’d your family say?”

“Haven’t told ’em,” Josh admitted. “Kinda – getting moral support, I guess.”

“Before you gotta face the firing squad?”

“Something like that.”

“I hear you,” Mark said, with feeling.

“Yeah, I know,” Josh said. “Thanks, man. I know it’s kinda out of left field, but I – I mean, like, I wasn’t expecting it, you know? And I didn’t know what I was gonna do. But s’good to tell you.”

Mark quirked a smile at him. “It’s good news,” he said simply. “So who’s the lucky dad? I mean, besides you, obviously.” A thought struck him and he froze, a look of horror on his face. “Oh my god, it’s not Tyler, is it?”

It had been a long, long time since Josh had laughed that hard.

**

After that, it got easier.

“Hey, Ben?” Josh called from the sofa, watching apathetically as Ben tried to pour coffee on a moving bus without spilling it all over himself. He got an indeterminate grunt in reply, which he figured meant ‘I’m listening, do go on’. “I’m pregnant.” He watched with interest as Ben’s hand jerked and lukewarm coffee went all over his T-shirt. “Figured you’d wanna know the good news,” he said, and left him to it.

**

_This is Brendon, leave a message._

“Hey Brendon. This, uh, this is Josh. I’ve got some news? Gimme a call back?”

Two minutes later, just as he was gratefully picking up his reward Starbucks coffee loaded with sugar and E-numbers, La Cucaracha rang out obnoxiously from his pocket. Rolling his eyes, he picked up.

“I keep forgetting you changed my ringtone and so I keep forgetting to change it back.”

“Whatever, it’s memorable, like me,” Brendon said smugly. “What’s up? You said you had news.”

“Yeah.” Josh laughed awkwardly. “I’m pregnant.”

There was the usual moment of silence, which Josh was beginning to expect every time, then Brendon cleared his throat. “That’s. That’s awesome, man. Congratulations! When are you due? Or are you not keeping it? Is that why you’re calling? Is there no one else on that bus who can bear to hear the dreaded word ‘abortion’?”

“Wh – yes, I’m keeping it, it’s due in Spring and I called you because I guess I wanted to tell you. Ta-da! Baby!” Josh made a jazz hand with the hand that wasn’t clutching his coffee. “Oh, and it’s not Tyler’s.”

“What? I didn’t say anything about Tyler. What about Tyler?” Brendon asked, uncomfortably interested. There was a rustle of fabric over the line and the squeak of springs, and Josh could picture him sprawled on his couch in LA, one of his tiny dogs slobbering over his feet.

“Nothing about Tyler,” he said repressively. “It’s just everyone else is convinced it’s Tyler’s and I thought I’d get in there first before you asked.”

“I like to think I’m less predictable than that.”

“Not really,” Josh told him, smiling when Brendon made an indignant noise. “I don’t know whose it is, but it’s mine and I’m keeping it.”

“’He ain’t heavy, he’s my baby,’” Brendon said and Josh cracked up.

“Something like that, yeah.” Josh took another gulp of coffee.

“Excuse me?” A kind-faced woman in her thirties had stopped by his table. “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t help but overhear – if you’re expecting, you shouldn’t really be drinking coffee. It’s kinda bad for foetal development.”

Josh decided not to tell her it was decaf. He was already bitter enough about having to make the switch; he’d been feeling caffeine-withdrawal twinges all day. “Thanks,” he said instead, smiling sweetly. “Yo B, still there?”

“You’re drinking coffee?” Brendon said, disapproval coming through the line loud and clear.

“It’s decaf,” Josh said defensively. “You seriously think Tyler would let me drink coffee? He’s practically baby-proofing the bus.”

Brendon hummed. “And you’re sure it’s not his?”

“I would have remembered,” Josh told him tiredly. It seemed like he was always tired now, something he hadn’t mentioned to Tyler lest Tyler swaddle him in blankets and force-feed him vitamins.

“Tyler is memorable,” Brendon agreed. “Ok, so. Baby. You excited? How long have you known?”

“Few weeks,” Josh said. “I’ve been hell to live with. Still am, probably.”

“Nahhh,” Brendon drawled. “You’re Josh Dun. You’re sunshine and kittens and all things lovely. You’re probably just all sad and frowny.”

“I genuinely have no idea where everyone gets this idea from,” Josh said honestly.

“It’s because I’ve never heard you say a bad word about everyone. And I’m not just talking swearwords. You’re like the chillest guy I know and my friends are a bunch of stoners from LA. Plus, y’know,” he audibly shrugged. “Half the time I get my intel through a Tyler filter, and he thinks the sun shines out of your ass.”

“That’s lovely,” Josh said dampeningly.

Brendon must have shifted – there was an indignant yelp on the other end of the line. “Sorry, Bogey, I’m sorry lil dude, go find Penny – so does FBR know?”

It took Josh a moment to realise that Brendon wasn’t talking to his dog. “Yeah, they know,” he said, cringing as he remembered that particularly awkward conversation. “They were pretty cool about it, to be honest.”

“This really isn’t the weirdest shit someone on their label has pulled,” Brendon pointed out. “After me and Pete – and Gabe, Jesus. You having a baby is practically family friendly. Literally, in fact.”

“Yeah, well, you know, we worked out a game plan. I drum until I shouldn’t, hang around until I can’t, then I go home and grow my parasite.”

“Ew,” Brendon said cheerfully. “Don’t even front, your baby’s gonna come out smiling. It’s gonna have you as a dad!”

“I don’t feel very smiley right now,” Josh admitted in a tiny voice, staring into the foamy dregs of his coffee. “I’m tired and I ache and I spent all of yesterday going into detail about my pregnancy with my record label.” Brendon made a sympathetic sound, but mercifully didn’t try to make things better. Tyler had been trying all day, because Tyler always tried to make things better for the people around him, but he didn’t always understand that sometimes Josh just wanted to feel sorry for himself. Instead of dwelling on how miserable he sometimes felt, Josh pulled himself together. “So, when am I gonna see you?”

“S’been a while,” Brendon agreed. “You guys have been touring for a while.”

“And when we’re not touring, you are,” Josh pointed out.

“Yeah. Them’s the breaks, I guess – never be friends with a musician. I dunno, man, when are you next due in LA?”

“I have no idea,” Josh told him honestly. “At this point, I just set up and play when they tell me to.”

“I hear you,” Brendon said, with easy sympathy. “Just take care of yourself, OK? You know. Regular meals and sleep and vitamins and all that good stuff. Maybe look into a lamaze class or something, I don’t know.”

Josh snorted. “Yeah, I’ll get right onto that,” he agreed. “Look, I gotta go, man. Bus call in half an hour and it takes me forever to get anywhere right now.”

“Swollen ankles?” Brendon asked sympathetically and then cackled when Josh blew a raspberry down the phone at him. “I get it. My sister said the early tiredness was a bitch. But dude,” suddenly serious, “if you’re on tour, how are you getting to a doctor? Gotta see them regularly, man. Prenatal check-ups are important.”

"Basically, I'm just going into every Planned Parenthood I can find?” Josh said, self-deprecating. “We’re playing Columbus in a few weeks and we’ve got some time off. I’ll tell my doctor then.”

“Mmkay,” Brendon said. “I’ll be checking. I’ll hit you up for baby news every two weeks. I better get to see the ultrasound.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Josh said fondly. “Love you man.”

“Aw, ya sucker,” Brendon said back, just as fondly. “I love you too.”

**

Telling his closest on-tour friends meant that, with the best will in the world to do so, his secret wasn’t likely to stay a secret all that much longer. Ben had gone out and bought the twee-est and most hideous baby-grow he could find and left it on Josh’s pillow, half-congratulations, half-threat. Mark kept asking him if he was OK. Now that other people knew, Tyler was attentive to the point of smothering, and people were starting to notice.

Which meant that Josh couldn’t put off telling his parents anymore.

In a lot of ways, he’d be relieved to have told them. It would get it over with, if nothing else – but it’d also be great to be able to talk to them about it, ask his mom if what he was dealing with was normal, talk to his dad about how he’d felt and what he’d done when Josh and his siblings were born, try to plan things out with them and ask their advice. But before he could get to that point, he had to deal with their surprise and disappointment, and it was going to suck.

He managed to carve out some time to facetime with them when the bus would be empty and his parents would both be around. Lord only knew he didn’t want to have to go through it twice, and while facing down their disapproval would take him back to his early teens in the worst possible way, at least he knew now that they’d support him once they got over the initial shock. He just had to actually tell them first.

“So,” he said, once they’d gone through the usual preliminaries, and they’d all finished catching each other up on their lives. “I’ve got some – some news for you? I guess? And, um.” He was not going to ask them not to be mad. It was his decision and if they were disappointed with him, they’d get over it. “I dunno if you’ll be – I think you might not like it. To begin with.”

“What is it?” his mom asked, with quick anxiety.

“It’s nothing bad!” he hastened to reassure her quickly. His dad was frowning, just a little, and Josh rushed on. Something in him rebelled at saying ‘I’m pregnant’ to his parents, so instead he went with, “I’m, uh, I’m gonna have a baby.”

For a moment or two, there was complete silence on both ends. Then his mom said, very quietly, “are you happy about it, sweetheart?”

Josh smiled at her. “Yeah,” he said softly. “I’m happy.”

“That’s good,” she said, rather more forcefully. “And, um. Who’s the father?”

That was not a question he wanted to answer, but he’d known they were going to ask. “He’s not in the picture,” he said tactfully. His sex life was the last thing he wanted to discuss with his parents, and particularly not right now.

“Oh,” his mother said a little doubtfully, glancing at his dad.

“You didn’t mention you were in a relationship,” his dad offered. “At least, I didn’t know.”

Oh hell. “I’m not,” he said bluntly. “I’d’ve said. But I really want this, Dad.”

“I’m sure you do, son,” his dad hastened to assure him. “It’s just sad that – I mean, it’s not _sad_ , but you know we’d have _preferred_ if you were happy and settled before you had kids. But if you’re happy, then we are, you know that.”

“I know you’d have preferred it,” Josh said, feeling a little wretched, a hot, desperate feeling squirming in the pit of his stomach. “But I- I didn’t mean this to happen? And I freaked out to begin with, but I’m happy now.”

“Oh, baby, why didn’t you tell us earlier?” his mom asked sadly. “We could have helped, if you’d wanted.”

Well, that was worse than anything he’d anticipated either of them saying. “I didn’t not want you to help,” he said miserably. “I just needed to work out how I was feeling, you know? I – I needed to work it out for myself.”

“Good for you,” his dad said, surprising him just a little. He watched as his dad put an arm round his mom and hugged her gently. “This is a huge surprise for us, but we’re happy for you.”

“So when are you due?” his mom asked, regaining a little equilibrium. “What are your plans, honey? Are you gonna leave your tour and come home now, or…?”

“No, I’m like two months along, mom,” he said, smiling at her. “And I don’t need to quit yet. I gotta talk it out with Ty and the label and everyone, but I reckon I’ll come home a couple of months before I’m due? I don’t know, we gotta talk about it.”

“OK,” she nodded. “And how’re you feeling? Have you got much morning sickness? Have you seen a doctor? You’ve gotta eat right, too, and I’m never sure you eat properly when you’re away. Are you eating properly? Oh, Josh, I wish you were here, it’d be so much easier if we didn’t have to do this over the phone – do you need any antenatal vitamins? Folic acid’s good for when you’re pregnant, and iron, too, you’ll need that.” 

Sharing a grin with his dad, Josh settled in to weather the storm of his mom’s concern.

**

It was an astonishing relief to have told everyone. OK, so it was frustrating to be getting three texts an hour from his mom (was he eating sensibly, was he getting enough sleep, had he found the ginger tea she’d recommended, had he thought about names, what colour was the nursery gonna be, had he started looking at houses – the list was seemingly endless, and apparently none of them could wait until after nine o’clock), but even that was kind of nice. It was a relief not to have to hide when he was feeling nauseous and awful, and a relief to be able to shrug off his appalling mood swings with an apology, and a relief to be open with the people he loved and liked again.

Not everyone was reacting the same way.

Once he’d got his head around it, Mark was blessedly normal. He’d stopped asking if Josh was OK every ten minutes, and limited his interest in the entire process to not getting Josh a beer if he was getting one for himself. If anything, he seemed even more laid back than normal, and Josh looked on him as an oasis of sanity in a world that was becoming increasingly crazy every day.

By contrast, Ben – once he’d forgiven Josh for the whole thing with the coffee – was treating him with a reverence he only normally accorded to drums and his own mom, and Josh had taken to hiding guiltily from him rather than have to explain, _again_ , that the sproglet was barely the size of a peanut right now and he was a perfectly capable person. Tyler had already prophesized that it would end in tears – “you’re either gonna rage-cry or yell at the poor guy if you don’t just talk to him,” he’d said philosophically. “Hey, are you eating that?”

Tyler, of course, remained Tyler, but to Josh’s dismay it became very clear very fast that he was Tyler turned up to eleven. Josh had known, in a distant sort of way, that Tyler would go to the mattresses for him, because he would definitely do the same for Tyler, but he’d been downright pugnacious ever since Josh had started telling people. Josh was pretty sure that last interviewer had actually been crying. And when he wasn’t pre-emptively defending Josh’s honour – which, thank you, had needed no defending in the first place – he was being solicitous to such a degree that Josh was actually a little afraid to open his mouth in case an idle thought was mistaken for a whim to be instantly gratified.

Tyler had odd starts, but he’d never carried them this far before.

Well, except for the one which became a band and their career. All in all, Josh didn’t normally have much to complain about when it came to Tyler’s actions, but this one was going to drive him mad by the end of next week.

“Bro,” he said from the front lounge. “You got a minute?”

“Gimme a second,” Tyler said, curiously muffled, so Josh went to him.

Having found him, Josh looked at what he was doing and sighed. “Bruh, you gotta stop this.”

“Stop what?” Tyler said, looking up from where he was carefully making Josh’s bed.

“Just.” Josh didn’t know how to say it without sounding ungrateful. Or mean. “Just. You’re doing a lot. For me. And I’m grateful. But – I don’t really need it? Like, I don’t think lifting a couple blankets is gonna do the kid much harm, y’know? And I like carrying my drums and setting them up, you don’t have to do it for me. Look, I can still bend at the waist and everything!” He demonstrated hopefully. When Tyler still looked confused and a little nervous, Josh sighed. “Okay. Um. You told me that if I didn’t talk to Ben, I was either gonna cry or yell. And I love you. But if you don’t stop treating me like I’m made of glass, then I might do the same to you, too.”

"Oh." Tyler looked from Josh to Josh’s partially-made bed, and Josh saw the moment he got it. “Huh. I’ve been doing the thing, haven’t I?”

“L’il bit, dude. Sorry.” He pulled Tyler up from the bunk and, after a second’s hesitation, wrapped his arms around him for a hug that he knew lasted just a second too long. Tyler had hugged him back just as hard, though, so it was ok. “You’re the best and I love you, and this kid is so darn lucky to have you as an honorary uncle-“ something in Tyler’s expression flickered but Josh carried on rather than question it. “Just… tone it down a notch, yeah?”

Tyler grinned and knocked his shoulder against Josh’s as he walked by towards the front lounge. “I just feel like you’re taking so much on and it’s a lot, and someone should be doing nice things for you.”

Josh smiled back, because how could he not? “Yeah, but you don’t have to.”

Tyler turned and gave him an inscrutable look. “What if I want to?”

He went down the bus and through the kitchen, leaving Josh puzzled. That was not what he’d seen coming.

On the other hand, he did actually have to talk to Tyler about something other than Tyler’s deeply worrying desire to smooth Josh’s path in life by clearing all of his stuff away for him.

“Hey, bro, wait,” he said, hurrying into the front lounge after Tyler, who was already half out the door. Tyler let the weight of the door swing him back into the bus, bent half backwards to meet Josh’s eyes.

“Yeah?” he said, strangely hopeful.

“You wanna stick around for a lil minute? You’re better with the words than me, and I think I’m gonna tell people today.”

Tyler was silent for a moment. “Like, people-people?”

“Yeah.” Josh shrugged awkwardly. “You know. Like, I’ve told most people who should know, like, personally? And from all the stuff that I’ve read I’m gonna start showin’ pretty soon, so I figure we tell people now to stop all of the stories about how I’m growing an alien in my lower intestines.”

“You would make a hot Sigourney Weaver,” Tyler said instantly, but let the door shut properly and came back into the bus. “OK, so, you wanna make a video, you wanna tweet it…?”

“Tweet it,” Josh decided. Doing a video meant getting Mark involved, and a delay, which meant time for Josh to lose his nerve. Plus he thought that the fewer people around to witness his vacillations, the better. “It’s more personal that way, you know?”

Tyler fixed him with an uncomfortably knowing look. “Sure,” he said agreeably. “Nothin’ says personal like telling a few hundred thousand strangers on the internet about your baby.”

“You’re supposed to be helpful,” Josh told him and Tyler grinned, pushing Josh over to the couch.

“I never promised that. Ok, what do you wanna say?” Tyler sat down next to him, curled sideways so he could look over Josh’s shoulder at his phone.

“Uhhh,” Josh said intelligently, feeling all his brain cells freeze now the dreaded moment had arrive. “I dunno? Something cheerful, I guess?”

“The fewer chances we give people to say this is a bad thing, the better,” Tyler agreed. “Ok, so.”

"Let’s do this," Josh said firmly. He was going to be a dad and it was awesome, and he wanted to share it with everyone. And on a practical note, telling everyone now would significantly reduce the number of conspiracy theories that would pop up when Josh dropped out of the tour in a couple of months' time.

He typed some random letters into the text box, then tried

"NEWS! I'm having a baby, no one panic."

Tyler snorted, but Josh frowned. “Kinda flippant?” He said, deleting it.

"Hey guys, just wanted you to know-"

“No,” they both said at the same time.

Delete.

"Dun in the oven hahaha”

“And you thought ‘I’m having a baby, no one panic’ was flippant?” Tyler said, raising his eyebrows and Josh sighed and deleted.

"Words are hard," he complained, pouting and Tyler grinned.

“I needed a reminder why you aren’t the lyricist. Don’t freak out so much, man. You’re doing great.”

“I haven’t done anything yet,” Josh muttered. “Ok. How about…”

"'twenty two pilots coming this spring. Watch out!'"

“Yes,” Tyler said instantly. "Cute. Do it, dude."

Josh nodded and went back to Twitter. He copy and pasted the tweet, then, after a moment's hesitation, added the baby emoji and a heart. His own heart in his mouth, he pressed post, and quickly shut off his phone.

"Nice, man," Tyler said approvingly. “I was gonna get some air. You wanna come?”

Josh shook his head. “Nah, I’m good, thanks. Might have a nap.”

“Okidoke,” Tyler said, squeezing his shoulder as he got up from the couch. “Don’t obsess about this, ok? Leave the obsessing to me; it’s my job.”

Josh saluted him, swinging his legs up to stretch along the couch. “Have a good walk, dude. Thanks for helpin’.”

“Always,” Tyler said and was gone.

Left to himself, Josh let out a long, slow breath and smiled.

**

Tyler jumped down from the bus and set off decisively in a random direction, dragging up Twitter on his phone. Josh had posted the tweet less than five minutes ago, but in Tyler’s experience, that meant nothing to the internet. He was right; Josh’s Baby tweet already had over a hundred retweets and an endless list of replies.

Tyler turned down a side-street, flicking through them, though he knew it was a bad idea.

"OMG!!!!! Congrats Josh!!!!"

"Ha totally Tyler's"

"No it's not Tyler's straight."

"So who else is excited for the skeleton bb??"

"OMG what's tyler gonna say?"

"Twenty one DADS."

"I didn't know Josh had a boyfriend haha"

Tyler rubbed the back of his neck and thought. He scrolled absently through an outpouring of affection, congratulations and the occasionally well-meant snarky comment until two words jumped out at him: 'lol slut'

He clicked his phone shut and slid it into his back pocket. The comments, whether nice or unpleasant, had little bearing on what he needed to think about. He’d stumbled across a tiny inner-city park, grass still parched from a long, hot summer. Sitting down on an uncomfortable metal bench, he watched, watched apathetically as pigeons swarmed around a small dog in a kind of ludicrously outnumbered battle.

So apparently Tyler had his work cut out for him. He’d known that the baby would complicate things; he hadn’t expected _himself_ to complicate things. Prone to overreaction as he was, it had hurt to learn that Josh didn’t even consider him as boyfriend material. He loved Josh. And he’d had a plan. Granted, the sum total of that plan had been Get Josh To Be My Boyfriend, but it had been a plan.

A baby had not been part of that plan.

But now that it was gonna feature, he found that he couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Josh. Josh and a baby. Josh and a baby and maybe Tyler?

Apparently this had manifested itself in obsessively tidying up after Josh and almost wrapping him in lavish amounts of devoted attention. Which was nice and all, but also a little bit creepy, plus Josh didn’t really seem to relish it. It was, Tyler mused, probably some hangover from his caveman instincts – protect mate, hunt, perform housework…. Though that was too creepy even for him to contemplate, so he pretended he hadn’t thought it.

The little dog’s owner had got involved, and was trying to chase the pigeons away from his beleaguered pet, without noticeable success: any pigeon he chased away was instantly replaced by another two, waddling up with evil-eyed interest.

He knew what his therapist would say. Tyler didn’t like change and he liked uncertainty even less. Obsessively thinking about Josh and the baby was his way of bringing the situation back into his control, pulling apart this idea until it made sense to him. He’d done it before – it was part of his brain the meds didn’t reach – he’d done it when he’d broken up with Jenna, he’d done it when he first realised he was in love with Josh.

It would pass.

And in the meantime, the only thing he could do was abide by the only thing Josh had asked him to do: try and act halfway normally. On the other hand, Mark was right; he did have to work out how to get a move on before the baby was here and Josh was zombified from children’s TV and lack of sleep. Which meant he had to do something soon, before he talked himself out of it. Because at this point, no matter what he did, he was going to make things difficult for him and Josh and the band. If he said something and Josh wasn’t into it, that would make things weird. But if he said nothing at all, he was just gonna be weird all by himself and Josh would feel guilty without knowing why, which was infinitely worse.

There was a flurry of movement as the dog, goaded beyond reason, exploded out of the pigeons like a small, furry cannonball, scattering feathers and gravel as he went. His owner fought to reattach him to a lead, kicking away the stray pigeons that got too bold.

Tyler’s phone buzzed in his pocket, distracting him, and he stood up. It was now or never.

From: Marky-Mark

_are you on one of your long introspective walks? Get back here josh is rocking the world._

He sighed and sent back _five minutes_ before scrolling through his contacts list and hesitating before hitting Call.

To his relief, Jenna picked up within three rings. “Ty? Are you ok?”

It had been nearly a year since they’d broken up, and they’d only really been talking for the last couple of month. It had always been the plan that they should stay friends, but these things were never easy, and they’d both needed time.

“Yeah, I’m – I’m fine,” he said, with less conviction than he’d intended. “How are you?”

“I’m good. Why are you calling? Don’t you have a show?”

“Not for a few hours. Have you seen Twitter?”

“Uh,” he heard Jenna tap away at her laptop, evidently working out of the office, in a café where she could people watch. “Not yet? Wh- oh. _Oh._ Oh my – Ty, this isn’t a hoax, right? Josh is pregnant?”

“Not a hoax, it’s really very, very real,” Tyler told her.

“And that’s why you’re calling? Twenty-two pilots, that’s so _cuuuuute_!”

“Yeah. Can I. Can I ask your advice?” Tyler asked awkwardly. He’d moved away from the park and was now sitting on some steps up to a public library, schoolchildren dodging around him.

“Always,” Jenna said at once, and it was so easy to remember why he’d loved her. Why he still loved her and why a tiny part of him would always be sad that they hadn’t worked out. “What’s up?”

“I’m in love with Josh,” he said and was almost disappointed when Jenna said:

“Er. Yeah?” Like she’d known all along. Which she couldn’t have, because Tyler was a secret ninja who hid his feelings, and because even he hadn’t known until just after they broke up. “Is that news?” Her tone changed. “Did he turn you down? Oh baby…”

“No – no,” Tyler said hurriedly. “What would you say if I told everyone that Josh’s baby was mine?”

There was a pause, and then, “is it?” Jenna asked carefully, and Tyler swallowed.

“No. Not mine. We don’t know whose it is – Josh doesn’t know whose it is-“

“Oh man, that’s rough-“

“But I’ve been reading the Twitter comments, and they’re lovely, but then there are some people saying stuff I’d be ashamed for my mom to read.”

“And you think they’d stop if you said it was yours?” Jenna said gently. “Baby. Tyler. This isn’t your problem. It’s not Josh’s problem either,” she added a little louder when Tyler made an indignant noise. “It’s their problem. And you jumping in isn’t gonna make things better. And if you’re not in a relationship with him, and you say he’s having your baby…” she paused delicately and Tyler sighed.

“Yeah, you’re right. I just,” Tyler scrubbed a hand through his hair. “I wanna help, and I can’t, and you know how much I hate that-“

“I know, I do, but you are helping and you can help, but not like this. Saying it’s your baby isn’t going to help. Just,” Jenna broke off with her own noise of frustration and Tyler pictured her waving her coffee cup in the air, “Josh can deal. He’s a big boy. And if he wants help, he’ll ask. You’re doing great already, so stop panicking.”

Tyler took a deep breath and relaxed. “Alright. You’re right. I love you.”

“Idjit,” Jenna told him fondly. “So how’s he doing? Josh?”

“He’s good,” Tyler said honestly. Since things had been out in the open, Josh had been a lot more relaxed. It still hurt a bit that Josh had felt he had to hide and be miserable and deal with it himself – there were only a few people in the world Josh trusted enough to ask for help, and Tyler had thought he was one of them. It should have been a comfort to know that he’d been the first person Josh had told, but he was in love with Josh and wanted him to be safe and happy and helped no matter where that help came from. “He’s not as excited as I am,” he added, equally honest.

His latest google searches had all been infant-related.

“I’m gonna buy him so many onesies,” Jenna said happily. “Like he doesn’t even know how much crap I’m gonna buy him. I saw the cutest pumpkin onesie the other day and I was like oh my gosh if only I knew someone I could give it to and now I can! This is perfect.”

“Spooky baby,” Tyler agreed. Of course Josh would have a spooky baby. He could already picture them in matching skeleton sweaters. “It’s ok, I’m ok, I’m chill. It’s just – it’s a lot for him to handle, which I know he can-” he said a little louder when it sounded as though Jenna was going to interrupt, “-but it’s also a lot for me to get my head around.”

“That’s fair,” Jenna said. “And you know I’m always around if you want to talk. Have you guys spoken to your management yet?”

“Yeah,” Tyler winced in recollection. That had been a spectacularly awkward conversation. No one had mentioned the Other Father. “They were – honestly, they were pretty good about it.”

“They should be,” Jenna said stoutly.

“Yeah,” Tyler agreed. “I think they knew that Josh wouldn’t sue on grounds of discrimination, but they also knew that I’d make him. And,” he added, a little cynically, “we’re getting big now. They’re not gonna want to lose us.”

“Mmm,” Jenna said thoughtfully. “So. Are you gonna tell Josh that you love him?”

Tyler grimaced. “I think so. I kinda have to? It’s either tell him or let things get so awkward that I end up quitting the band and living as a hermit in the Smokies or something.”

Jenna laughed; having been the object of Tyler’s affections, she knew exactly how awkward he could get when he had feelings for someone. “Don’t do that,” she told him solemnly. “You would not survive long in the wild. You have the spindly legs and big big eyes of a baby deer and you would get eaten by a bear.”

“Do they even have bears in the Smoky Mountains?”

“Dunno. Probably. You’d find out.”

Tyler shook himself. “I think I have to tell him. I’m gonna give it a couple of days then…” he blew out a breath. “I’m gonna ask him out. Wow.”

“Awesome. Tell me when you’re gonna do it so I can send good vibes. Though,” Jenna hesitated. “You know he’s gonna overthink it, right?”

Tyler nodded. Jenna knew Josh as well. “Yeah. He does that.”

“So you’re gonna have some convincing to do that it’s not, like, charity, or whatever else his mind comes up with. You got answers ready?”

“Born ready,” Tyler said automatically. He’d thought himself round in circles so many times about it that he probably already had the answers to any of the questions Josh was going to ask.

A clock chimed somewhere and Tyler looked around, startled. Time had, as usual, run away with him. “Babe, I gotta go, but how’re you doing?” he asked apologetically, very aware that he’d asked her almost nothing about herself.

He heard her shrug over the phone. “Same old, y’know? I’m good.”

“I’ll call you tomorrow, yeah? For a real talk. Not just about me this time.”

Jenna laughed, fond. “I always like hearing about you, Ty. I’ve missed hearing your voice.”

Tyler swallowed against the sudden lump in his throat. As much as he loved Josh, he also loved Jenna, and he really wished they’d worked out. “Missed you too,” he said softly.

Jenna cleared her throat. “You gotta go and I got to finish this thing. Scoot. I’ll text you.”

“Best girl,” Tyler told her.

“I know,” she said airily. “Love you. Go away.”

“Bye,” he managed to say before the line went dead.

Feeling somehow worse, Tyler nudged away a questing pigeon with his foot and stood up, turning back down the street to the bus.

**

So apparently at some point, they’d come to an agreement that if Josh was being normal – or as normal as he could be while his hormones were sending him technically insane – Tyler had to be acting weird. It wasn’t anything concrete that Josh could pinpoint, but something was definitely going on. The only real evidence he had was that Tyler was spending a lot of time away from Josh, to the point where it was beginning to feel like he was avoiding him – which was unusual under normal circumstances but particularly after nearly three weeks of finding Tyler there every time Josh turned round. For all Josh’s fronting about them being completely not codependent, he was starting to feel a little left out, and as often as he tried telling himself that it was just hormones talking, he had enough native honesty to admit that he just missed his best friend.

Perhaps it was for the best, he reasoned hopefully. If he wasn’t around Tyler twenty four/seven, then his humiliating but _totally natural crush_ would subside, and he could get on with his new life as a single parent, rather than wasting valuable time in horrifyingly embarrassing day dreams which really _were_ hormone related, because Josh had had a crush on Tyler for literally years now, and he’d never before decided to play out their relationship from beginning to end in glorious imaginary Technicolor. 

He’d actually made himself cry, it was horrific.

On the other hand, he knew he was fooling himself, because he _had_ had a crush on Tyler for years, and it wasn’t just because they spent a ridiculous amount of time together. Josh’s embarrassing feelings had survived the awkward getting-to-know-someone stage, the period when they only met up occasionally, and their off-tour months, which always began with him and Tyler spending as little time together as possible because they had actually managed to over-saturate themselves with each other’s company. But that had always been by entirely mutual, if silent, consent. In their entire relationship, there had never been a time when one of them avoided the other, until now.

In his bitchier moments, Josh felt downright cross that Tyler was laying this on him right now, when he had so much else to deal with. They’d gone through their nightmare conversation with the label, he’d told all of their fans, and now he was trying to deal with the fall out of that, a combination of probing emails from their management and an outpouring of reaction from their fans. And that was on top of being pregnant, which was a nightmare all of its own. He’d been warned, by just about every Planned Parenthood he visited, that the early months of pregnancy could be trying, but after more-or-less plain sailing for the first couple of months, Josh didn’t feel he’d been prepared for the full horror of pregnancy.

Morning sickness, as it turned out, was an absolute shitshow, one which sometimes even Josh’s mother’s ginger tea couldn’t quite quell. Every morning started with a slow awakening followed by a panicked rush to the bathroom, where he’d spend the next half hour miserably hunched next to the toilet, wondering whether or not he was actually going to throw up – and ironically, the mornings when he was actually sick were far better than the ones when he wasn’t. Someone would inevitably knock on the door and pass a mug of ginger tea through to him when he opened it, before leaving him to his misery until someone else desperately needed the bathroom, when he would stagger out and collapse back into his bunk.

And it would have been fine, more or less, if morning sickness had actually been confined to the morning. Even with the bright red acupressure wristbands Tyler had bought for him at a gas station, even with the miraculous ginger tea, Josh found himself lurching for the bathroom at least three times during the day, at any given moment. Thankfully, so far, he’d been spared any nausea while he was on stage – personally, Josh was of the opinion that the adrenaline rush kept it at bay, but he didn’t really care what the reason was so long as it kept happening.

More worryingly, living with constant low-level nausea meant having no appetite at all, which was sending everyone else into panic, because apparently he was touring with a load of secret mother hens. For his own part, Josh didn’t care if he never ate again; he would take starvation so long as it meant he felt even fractionally less sick. But no one else was willing to accept that, which meant Josh was surrounded by people constantly offering him food, some of which was fine – plain chips, toast, crackers, fricking _blueberries_ , he had no idea who had even thought to buy those – and some of which sent him straight into the bathroom after one look, or smell, or taste – rice cakes, all jelly, that one time he’d tried to eat pepperoni pizza. It didn’t help that on top of feeling sick, Josh was also feeling bloated, fat and uncomfortable; the last thing he wanted was food.

And then there was the way people looked at him. He was perfectly well aware that he was being kind of a douche – he’d been aware of that for literally months now. But as bad as it had been when no one had known why he was acting like a dick, it was somehow worse to watch his friends exchange meaningful looks before backing off with a soothing comment. He still felt like a douche, but now he felt like a patronised douche, and he knew that pregnancy was seriously throwing him off when he thought that he’d just like to have a proper all-out fight with someone. Josh _hated_ confrontation. But as it turned out, the only thing he hated more than confrontation was being denied one when he’d have quite liked someone to call him on all his bullshit.

Even Tyler wasn’t doing it, and Tyler was always happy to call anyone on their bullshit. Tyler didn’t enjoy confrontation at all – almost as little as Josh, in fact – but he suffered fools very badly indeed, and Josh could normally count on Tyler to deal with anyone acting like an idiot in their general vicinity. On some level, it worried him that Tyler didn’t even seem to notice that Josh was the one acting like an idiot right now. Tyler had been preoccupied and moody for almost all of their friendship, and Josh was used to Tyler being preoccupied and moody, but he wasn’t at all used to him being distant on top of that. And Tyler _was_ being distant, Josh didn’t care if no one else appeared to notice it. When he’d mentioned it, Ben and Mark had exchanged another of the darn meaningful looks, and fifteen minutes later Mark had said, ever so casually, that he hadn’t noticed Tyler being different at all, and Josh had had to go and sulk in the back lounge for a good half hour.

All in all, Josh couldn’t wait for the mystical pregnancy glow to kick in. He was at least ninety percent sure that pregnancy couldn’t be all nausea, irritation and paranoia, or no one would ever do it more than once.

“Why don’t you just _tell_ me I’m being a dick?” he demanded of Mark, after a particularly calm and reasoned response to a waspish comment. “It’s not like I don’t know it!”

“Cos you’re not being a dick for the sake of being a dick,” Mark retorted, still calm. He hadn’t even looked up from the TV show he was watching, which was crazy, because Mark didn’t even like Hoarders. “You’re being a dick because your hormones are out of whack and you’re going a little crazy. I tell you you’re being a dick, and then _I’m_ being a dick. And I don’t want to be a dick.” He muted the TV, looked up, and grinned. “Plus I figure you probably say worse stuff to yourself than I ever could, when you get things sorted in your head.”

“That’s the whole point,” Josh admitted, subsiding and collapsing onto the sofa next to Mark, who knocked his shoulder against Josh’s companionably. “If you whale on me, I don’t have to do it to myself.”

“You shouldn’t be too harsh on yourself, man,” Mark told him. “S’cool. We all know what’s going on. I mean, it’s kinda creepy and weird, like you got replaced with – what’s the opposite of a pod person?” Josh stared at him. “You know, you were like, scary-chill before, and now you’re not, so if anything, you were a pod person _before_ you got knocked up.” Mark shrugged. “Whatever, I’m just saying, it’s kinda weird knowing that you’ve gone crazy cos you’re growing a baby – and when I say kinda weird, I mean it is totally fricking weird – but we know you’re just. I dunno. Having a bad moment?” Josh digested that in silence, and Mark eyed him, then went on. “Anyway, I looked it up online, and if you’re like two and half months into this, we reckon you’ve got like a month tops before you go back to your pod-person normal.”

Josh briefly considered being offended at being called a pod person, then decided he didn’t have the energy. “I am so sick of this, man,” he said instead, leaning back into the couch and resisting the urge to self-comfort because that was just ridiculous. He was a grown man, for pity’s sake. “For real, I don’t know why anyone would do this deliberately.”

“You get your own little bundle of joy when you’re done,” Mark said sententiously, unmuting the TV. “Which I guess is an upside, but it doesn’t really seem like it to me.”

“Guess I’m not putting you down for babysitting duty then, huh,” Josh asked, managing to smile.

“Depends how much you want to have a baby to come back to,” Mark shrugged. “Like, I’d try, man, but I’m just like super bad with babies. I’m pretty sure they scream out of spite when they see me.” He offered Josh another grin. “I’d say ask Tyler, but if you’re going somewhere, he’ll probably be going too.”

“We don’t go everywhere together,” Josh pointed out dryly. “Sometimes we act like completely independent people.”

“Oh, I didn’t say you’d be going together. If you’re not, he’ll just be following you, like the creeper we all know he really is deep down.”

“I heard that!” Tyler hollered from the back lounge.

“I knew you were listening!” Mark yelled back, and Josh let his head tip back while he laughed. It was the best he’d felt in days.

**

He was still feeling good the next morning, too, which had been unheard of for him for literally weeks now. He’d barely spent twenty minutes feeling nauseous when he woke up, which was a definite improvement on the hour or so of intense sickness followed by a good couple of hours of queasiness, and his mom’s miracle tea had dealt with the last lingering remnants of nausea. He’d actually been able to take part in heaving all of their stuff out of the bus to set up for another show, rather than spending the transition period lying down, feeling sick and guilty by turns and making everyone’s job harder by apologising profusely whenever they turned up with yet another armful of stuff. And he’d actually been able to go to lunch with everyone else without having to leave halfway through because someone wanted a tuna sandwich.

It was a good day.

And it continued to be a good day right up until after soundcheck, when Tyler decided to go insane.

“Hey, man,” he said, which instantly raised Josh’s suspicions, because when Tyler sounded that nonchalant he either hadn’t really registered that someone was actually there, or he was planning something. Tyler brought a terrifying intensity to just about everything he did, up to and including casual greetings, but then again Josh had had entire conversations with the guy that Tyler didn’t remember because he’d got so lost inside his head that he hadn’t realised he was having a conversation at all.

And he definitely knew he was actually talking to Josh, because he’d turned up in Josh’s dressing room.

So he was planning something, and Josh was afraid.

“Hey,” he said, managing not to sound too wary, a feat for which he felt he should be commended. “What’s up?”

“Naw, nothin’,” Tyler said, still terrifyingly casual. “Just checkin’ in.”

“Uh huh,” Josh said, with blatant scepticism, which Tyler just as blatantly ignored.

“Y’know, seeing whether or not your room’s nicer ‘n’ mine,” he said, sitting down on the couch and eyeing Josh with terrifying interest.

“Is it?”

“Nah, mine’s definitely nicer,” Tyler said, stretching his legs out and grinning at Josh. “Still not really over having separate dressing rooms here, though.”

“Right?” Josh said, relaxing a little. There was a chance that he wasn’t the focus of Tyler’s plans, and that Tyler had come here to enlist his support for whatever he had planned for his unlucky victim. “D’you think it means we made it?”

“I think it means they really wanted someone to use this room,” Tyler said dampeningly, but he was still grinning, so it was cool.

They relapsed into silence while Josh absently flexed his hands, bending his fingers back and loosening up his wrists even though they had hours yet before they were going to be on stage, and he’d need to go through the whole thing again in like three hours time.

“How’re you doing?” Tyler asked eventually, breaking himself away from the rapt attention he was paying his shoes. “Feels like it’s been ages since we talked.”

“Nah,” Josh said, perhaps a little pointedly. “Just yesterday, you asked me to move so you could get the milk out the fridge.”

Tyler had the grace to look a little ashamed. “You, uh, you noticed, huh?”

“Ty, you’ve barely been in the same room as me for the last, like, week and a half, and we live in a tin can,” Josh said, exasperated. “Yeah, I noticed.”

“I just had to think about some stuff,” Tyler tried, rather defensively.

“And that’s cool, but you don’t normally leave the room when I come in because you want to think about somethin’,” Josh pointed out. “Like, I’m trying not to take it personally, but that’s kind of a tough one.”

“You weren’t the problem, but I needed to think something through-”

“We’re not dating, you don’t need to give me the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech,” Josh said wearily. If there was any justice in the world, he wasn’t going to have to listen to a bizarre variation on a speech more normally given to significant others from the guy he’d been in love with for years. There’d be a certain bitter irony in hearing a break up speech from someone he wasn’t even dating.

“Maybe we could be,” Tyler mumbled, and for a minute or so, Josh shut down entirely.

When his brain came back online, he pulled himself together for long enough to glare at Tyler. “OK, no,” he said vehemently, pointing at him. “No, we’re not doing this.”

Tyler looked both crushed and pissed, which was an interesting expression. Josh would have been more interested in it if Tyler hadn’t produced it while he was implementing Stage One of his Save Josh campaign – a campaign which was as unnecessary as it was insulting. “OK, wow,” he said, apparently cross, which was entirely unfair. “So I guess it didn’t come out right, but do you always turn people down like that?”

“No,” Josh said, anger fizzing through him. It was weirdly comforting and completely unprecedented; he didn’t think he’d ever been this angry. “No, I don’t, cos most people don’t ask me out to make themselves feel better.” He knew he hadn’t made his point well, and that just made him angrier. “You don’t actually wanna date me, you just think I can’t handle everything right now, and that’s – that’s just - _wow_. Seriously?” 

Tyler looked a little white, but he’d set his shoulders and was frowning back at Josh. “That is _not_ why I want to date you,” he retorted. “I’d like you to come out on a date with me and see if we actually work. And if we do, then _yeah_ , I actually _do_ want to date you.”

“Sure,” Josh said, almost snapped. “And me getting knocked up has nothing to do with it.”

“Right!” Tyler retorted. “It doesn’t! Like, I know it makes things more difficult, like, long-term, but it just made me get my head out of my ass!”

“Oh, really? Why’s that, then?”

“Cos I’ve only got so long before you’re a parent before you’re anything else, and I wanted to see if – if-” Tyler broke off, flinging his hands up in apparent defeat. “Look, I’m sorry, OK? Really, I am. I mean, like, I knew I’d gotta convince you that it wasn’t some cracked-out pity thing, but I didn’t think you’d be angry with me.”

“You _haven’t_ convinced me it’s not pity,” Josh told him, uncertainty starting to creep in around the edges of his anger. “And it’s not fair to do this, cos there’s nothing stopping you from deciding you’re not into it a couple months from now and backing out, and then what am I gonna do?”

“Well, you could do exactly the same thing, but that’s kinda true of every relationship,” Tyler pointed out reasonably. 

Josh ignored his tone – which would just make him cross – and focused on what Tyler had actually said. “Yeah, but you’re special,” he said, then wished he hadn’t.

“Funny,” Tyler said, mouth quirking. “That’s exactly what I was thinking about you.”

They stared at each other in silence for a long minute before Josh broke it. “OK, so say this baby wasn’t a thing,” he said, pushing his anger away and trying to be calm and rational. “Are you still telling me you’d be doing this?”

“Yes,” Tyler said instantly. “An’ I got witnesses to prove it, if you really need to hear it.”

“You’ve got _witnesses_?” Josh said, momentarily diverted. “The heck?”

“Mark,” Tyler said, a little smugly. “I mean, he was like the worst yenta ever, but he’s been listenin’ to me talk about this for, like, months. And my mom. And, uh, Jenna.”

“You talked to your ex about wanting to date me,” Josh said, poleaxed. “That’s – that’s really weird, Ty.”

“You know, I realised that as I said it,” Tyler agreed sheepishly. “I maybe shouldn’t have done that to her.”

“Maybe not,” Josh said. “Kinda harsh.” Finally, after an uncomfortably long silence, he cleared his throat. “So. You, uh. You actually wanna go on a date?”

“With you. Yes.”

“And it’s not just cos you feel sorry for me, or some saviour thing you’ve got going on in your head?”

“It’s really not,” Tyler assured him.

“Oh.” Josh digested that in silence and finally sat down heavily on the swivel chair with which the dressing room was inexplicably provided. “That’s crazy. Like. That’s _crazy_.”

Tyler fidgeted a little on the couch, and finally met Josh’s eyes. “OK, like, not to be an asshole or anything? But you’ve yelled at me for it, and you’ve called it crazy, but you haven’t actually answered me yet, and I’m getting kinda freaked out here. I mean, like. In the interests of honesty.”

“Oh. Oh, yeah, I mean, if you’re sure, I guess,” Josh said, still distracted by this new and entirely unexpected information.

“If I’m sure, you guess you’ll go on a date with me,” Tyler repeated dryly. “No, no. Don’t be so effusive, Joshua. You’re embarrassing us both.”

“Hey, this is a surprise,” Josh said defensively. “I mean, sure we can go out sometime. But like, I had no idea you were even – or that you were thinking about – and – oh my gosh,” he broke off as concerns other than the purely personal began to flood in. “What about the band? Like, what if we don’t work? What if we don’t work _months from now_ and have a messy break up and can’t work together? I need my job, and I’ll have a kid to support-”

“Nought to messy break up in fifteen seconds,” Tyler said, apparently to himself. “Josh, it’s one date. And can you imagine either of us managing a messy break up? You’re still friends with all your exes. My ex-girlfriend gave me advice on how to ask you out. We’re terrifyingly good at staying friends with people we’ve dated, why would that change if we tried dating each other and it ended up not working?” He shrugged. “Like, I’m not saying it would be fun, if we were really serious and then broke up. It’d suck. But I don’t see why either of us’d have to lose our jobs over it. _And_ ,” he went on, drowning out Josh’s nascent protests, “that’s assuming a lot. Like, we might try it out and it doesn’t work, and we just kinda go, ‘oh well, glad we tried, no hard feelings’. Or – and this one’s crazy, so just go with me here - _we might work out_. Why do we gotta assume an end before we’ve ever got round to starting?”

Josh stared at him, and tamped down his rising anxieties. Part of him was still reeling from being so angry – the rest of him was trying to process everything that had happened in the last fifteen minutes. “I kind of went on one there, didn’t I?” he said eventually. 

“Lil bit,” Tyler said apologetically. “Pretty much from the moment I asked you out.”

Josh thought back over what had actually happened and winced. “I kind of lost it,” he said repentantly. “Um. Sorry?”

“S’cool.” Tyler shrugged one shoulder. “You agreed to date me, so it’s all good.”

“I did?” Josh said, distracted. He didn’t remember saying that. He would, obviously, if Tyler was actually, genuinely interested in dating Josh – and he still wasn’t entirely convinced on that front, because Tyler did stupid and occasionally terrible things when he thought it was to help someone else – but he didn’t actually remember doing it.

“You did,” Tyler said, giving him a rather wry look. “I think your exact words were ‘I guess I’ll go on a date with you’, which I totally won’t obsess over for the rest of the day.”

Josh offered him a rather apologetic smile. “Um. I didn’t mean it like that?”

“I’ll grill you on exactly what you meant by that later, but right now, we’re going to go and find some food, because don’t think I didn’t notice that you only had a salad at lunch. And I know you hate salad.”

“When salad is the only thing I can keep down, I hate it a lot less,” Josh told him ruefully. “But I guess I could eat.” He followed Tyler out the door, and down the corridor towards freedom and the outside world. “I’m kind of really looking forward to the pregnancy cravings kicking in. Is that weird? I just really wanna see what crazy stuff I eat.” He’d made the mistake of reading a few articles about pregnancy, and the cravings had seemed like the only fun part of the whole deal. Apart from the famous pregnancy glow, and the thick lustrous hair he could apparently expect, which would then fall out, post-baby, a piece of information which horrified him so much, he had buried it deep deep down. Being pregnant didn’t seem fun, but on the other hand, what came afterwards sounded even less so. Deflated, baby-fied and moulting was what he could apparently look forward to. It wasn’t exactly a match.com profile.

Perhaps he should grasp at Tyler’s offer while he could, and be grateful for it.

Then he felt guilty.

Tyler, however, apparently existed only as bubble-popper for all Josh’s dreams. “Nah,” he said, oblivious. “I read up,” of course Tyler had read up, “and that happens only when your diet is messed up, and you’re, like, missing something. So you might crave chocolate when need magnesium, or chalk when you need calcium-“

“I’m going to eat _chalk_?” Josh said, appalled.

“Well, no,” Tyler said brightly and _still oblivious_ , “’cause when you get non-food-related cravings, you’re supposed to go to a doctor, stat, and anyway, I’ll be there to fulfil your every need.”

“Good,” Josh said dryly.

Tyler grinned at him. “You’re not taking this seriously, are you?”

“Not in any way,” Josh assured him.

“Ah well,” Tyler said, pulling an exaggeratedly sad face. “It doesn’t matter, because I’ll be there every step of the way. Following you,” he slid a tentacle arm around Josh’s shoulders, which tightened as Josh cringed away from him, “to feed you all the things you need. For optimum infant-parent health.”

Josh barked out a laugh as Tyler licked his cheek and then darted out of range of retribution, grinning smugly. “I take it back! I don’t want to date you, you’re a creepy person!” he said, smiling and scrubbing his cheek with his sleeve.

Tyler pointed at him. “Ha! No take-backsies. You said yes, and I know where you sleep.” 

He whirled into his dressing room with a triumphant cackle to get his wallet; Josh stayed outside under the fluorescent lights in the corridor and leaned against the breezeblock wall.

So this was crazy. It was completely, utterly mad, and Josh was pretty sure he hadn’t taken any of it in yet – he was almost certainly going to be up all night winnowing through everything they’d said to each other, trying to get to a point where he could understand exactly what was going on in Tyler’s head. He wanted to date Josh? Yeah, that was impossible. That was totally impossible, because even Josh wouldn’t want to date himself – though actually that was a weird thought and he was going to do his level best to make sure he never thought it again. Either way, he knew something too good to be true when he saw it, and Tyler wanting to date him was definitely too good to be true.

But even if they were going to flame out horribly, Tyler had still said he wanted to date him. And maybe just this once, Josh could wait and see where this went.

**Author's Note:**

> This goes without saying, but please don't link fanworks to the people they're about. Though tbh if they're reading this, they're at a frighteningly loose end.


End file.
